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2020.08.28 18:11 HaulA28Augl Bum-ble G-ay International Da-ting Too

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2020.08.04 17:14 2000ablenderoddyssey August Book Selection

The Vanishing Half is yet again on the roster for this month as a "tried-and-true" option, but since we chose it for June, there'll be one fewer choice in that section. As before, go to clubs.bookofthemonth.com/the-best-new-books for full book descriptions. Polling will close on August 9th at 8 p.m. CST.
One more thing: this last month was a wild ride for me, and as I start graduate school in earnest this September as well as a new job, I don't think I'll be able to keep up with books. Please let me know if you would be interested in modding, otherwise this may be the last month of this experiment. In case any of you have leftover credits, this would be a good time to use them. I'll keep you posted on how things are turning out.
The Night Swim by Megan Goldin
The Space Between Worlds by Micaiah Johnson
Atomic Love by Jennie Fields
The Comeback by Elle Berman
The Death of Vivek Oji by Akwaeke Emezi
This month also has the following "tried-and-true" book options:
Please feel free to vote for all of the books you would like! Comments are in contest mode so the order will be randomized and the votes hidden until the decision date.
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2020.07.27 17:26 pahohi1327JJul When Should a Christian Start Da-ting ?

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2020.07.27 13:13 blind27JJul What is the Number One Da-ting A-pp ?

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2020.07.27 12:48 27JJulbarium Are There Any Actual Da-ting We-bsites ?

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2020.07.24 19:59 CodenameAwesome The Timeline So Far

From now on the Timeline will be maintained in one place. Eventually we'll vote on a name for our world and then make a page on the Wiki for it. Reddit only allows two stickied posts at a time so this will be linked in the sidebar instead.

Our List of Legacies

Legacies expire after 5 weeks, meaning that there are 5 slots on the list and to add a new one, the oldest one is removed.

Big Picture: The discovery of magic and its consequences was a disaster for the human race.

Our Palette

Yes No
Distinct regional magical cultures. (Default Rule) Time Travel of any kind
Simulacra/Golem/Artificial/Pseudo-life. (Default Rule) Immortality. A mortal character should not appear in more than one period.
(Default Rule) Dating things in any way. The timeline is flexible and any mentions of dates and time duration are banned.
Using magic without a cost (to perform magic you must pay for it somehow: life, blood sacrifice, whatever). Something must be sacrificed to initiate magic.
Real life characters in the timeline, including deceased people. Abraham Lincoln can be referenced as a historical figure of the past but can't be a living character in any of our periods.
Secondary worlds, afterlives, or alternate dimensions. No interaction with the afterlife. This means no ghosts, demons, mediums, psychics, exorcists and so on. Space travel is OK.
Intelligent and self-conscious life, except for humans.
Breaking the laws of thermodynamics. Conservation of energy and matter, magic can't create anything from nothing, it must take energy from elsewhere to create it's effects. This is apart from the up front cost mentioned before.
Spell-casters. "Banning mages in their common definition. There should be other ways to put magical powers in play. (rituals, magical artifacts, supernatural abilities, environmental magic, etc..)"
Excessively polymath mages, no single person could ever master all areas of magic.
Innate magical talent (magical ability should be purely academic/practice-based with no natural predisposition/advantage)

The Timeline

A lot of the entries here have been shortened to help readability during play. There are links to the original submissions, which are canon in their entirety.
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2020.07.18 16:33 18Jlulenergetic Tiny Wom-an Big Di-ck Por-n

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2020.05.20 03:28 EricaShmericaOFF Before the 90 Days of Our Lives, Episode 13

Avery & Ashtray: Back at the hotel, Avery and a topless Ash seem to have made up, and are back in the same hotel room, as they discuss Avery’s meeting with Sian. They seem to come up with a plan for their relationship, realizing that a K1-Visa may not be doable with Taj in the mix (though I have a feeling it will be “K1 or K-done”. God I miss Angela…...)
They picked up Taj for the day to spend some quality time together throwing rocks at some ducks in a pond. It seemed like everyone had a good time (but they would've had a better time holding baby koalas, just saying). As the trip is winding down, Avery reflects on the ups and downs and questions if she will be able to move forward with someone who ends every sentence with "actually". I'm not sure if they will make it actually.
Prince Joffrey & Varya, who?!: With his sad pound puppy face, Prince Joffrey flies home from mother Russia all alone without a 90 day Fiance. Varya has been texting him while he was in flight, changing her mind about the proposal and explaining that she still loved him, though he's already over it….Like, 100% categorically done and dusted, over it. His two sons were there to greet him at the airport, where they scored some cool Putin gear, instead of a "my dad went to Russia to get me another new stepmom and all I got was this lousy t-shirt". On the ride home in the yellow car, Joffrey told his kids about the trip and all of its ups and downs. He’s not a regular dad, he’s a cool dad. Now that Joffrey is back and totally forgot about that weird dream he had where he was in Siberia, naked, with some girl in a felt hat hitting him with tree branches, he’s ready to move forward and take another chance at love. We next see Joffrey putting on his best date outfit, which looked like he was going to audit someone but then also tell them about the book of Mormon. He met up with his dinner date, who was none other than his friend Mary (that was convenient) who was awkwardly dressed herself, wearing a long frumpy striped number covered up by a fuzzy animal pelt. The date seemed to go well, as we watched them kiss in the parking lot after agreeing that they were going to give a romantic relationship a try. In the next scene we see Joffrey having fathesons four wheeler time. He tells his sons about his love triangle, explaining that he and Mary are doing great and Varya is just a faint memory at this point…....that is until we see her roll up to the Knoxville airport! (Ok, I'll admit, I was so preoccupied with Lana being real that I did NOT see this one coming! But production, my hats off to you. This Varya surprise visit was the fun factor we were all missing!!) Varya heads to her hotel, staying in a "positive mindset" that she will spring up on Joffrey and win him back. She stopped by Kohls to pick out the sexiest outfit possible…..a green turtleneck with a necklace over it, and a mismatched green leather skirt, tights and clunky shoes. Her friendly Uber drivehype woman dropped her off in front of Joffrey's house, where she braved the two giant dogs, who had no idea what she was saying in Russian, but luckily didn't bite a hole in her come-hither outfit. Varya rang the doorbell, jumping up and down with anticipation, as Joffrey slowly opened the door. The look of shock was absolutely priceless as he greeted Varya, who was screaming with excitement, while Mary turned the corner asking "what's going on??!" Mary, that's a great question. I have no idea what's going on anymore…. But I do know the previews showed the two women screaming "Maury"-style next week. Can't wait!
Stephanie & Erika not Shmerica: Erika drove 3 ½ hours in a pink leopard romper, getting the wedgie of a lifetime, just to have lunch with Steph and talk about how they're not together. Steph feels like she can't go home and talk about the situation to anyone, and Erika feels like she put the relationship out there and will now have to explain all of the weirdness to absolutely everyone. Seems like Erika's suffering is worse, mostly because of the new wedgie on the 3 ½ hour drive home. You know what would’ve looked good with that outfit? Koala earrings. Erika returned to Adelaide and told her mom about the Stephanie saga. Erika’s mum was very supportive and sweet, and reassured her that coming out was not a mistake, even if Steph wasn’t the best patnah. I heard koalas have opposable thumbs, which allow them to help pick wedgies…..
Tom & Darcey: Tom is still on his North American tour, almost done torturing Darcey and about ready to move on to his girl in Canada. He met up with his friend "Hammy'' (who's last name is hopefully Sandvech, and hopefully he's married to someone named Chaz. And maybe I can write them a letter to "Mr. Hammy and Chaz Sandvech”). Ok that diversion was more interesting than anything that actually happened..... Hammy basically told Tom to stop playing games and move on. We later see Tom packing his DKNY luggage from Marshall's to presumably torment another ex girlfriend in another city near you. He tried once again to speak to the camera and seem sincere about wishing Darcey “all the best", but killed the mood when he walked away, displaying a sequined skull on the back of his mens shirt…..aka the international sign of douchebaggery. Meanwhile back in Connecticut, after installing the Ring doorbell to make sure all visitors aren't Tom, Darcey is having a girls night with her 2 daughters and her twins (who are popping out of her tank top). They each applied different face masks, with Darcey's mask being the most Silence of the Lambs of them all. She openly discusses her failed past relationships with her teenagers and then they all said "Girl power!" And went to bed. Oh and Darcey did reference that she looked like "cat lady". She said it, not me…..(.I said Donatella Versace, especially with the new wig in the Quarantine episode).
BGL & Assman: Back in Abuja, presumably in the Arizona suite, BGL is on the phone trying to get a copy of her divorce papers, and complaining about the person’s demeanor (who doesn’t love a little irony!). Turns out, they can email BGL a copy of her papers to [email protected], bringing them one step closer to being Mr & Mrs Sojapeople. About two hours later though, things take a bit of a turn. While sitting down at a restaurant to eat another plate of Nigerian french fries, BGL explains that she was trying to connect her phone to wifi by going through Assmans messenger (I guess it's different in africa?) when she stumbled upon messages from a woman who she claims has been on her radar for months. The woman was telling Assman she loves him and vice versa. BGL shows Assman the receipts, as he fidgets, and scrambles to come up with an explanation. He basically told her it was Nigerian culture to tell women you love them, and call them "love", but it doesn't mean anything unless you say "baby love". BGL and her 2" of grey roots reminded him that she wasn't born yesterday, and that she's the original “player”. At this point Assman claims he is doing her a favor by marrying her, causing Babygirl to hit him with the newsflash that he is only "local talent", and there was something about a small boat. It was really intense, and ended with Lisa storming off. They had better makeup, I bought them a toaster…. Luckily Sojaboy ends up apologizing to his babylove, taking a lot of heat from BGL which required a lot of “bleeping” to be edited in post, as he talked in circles, confusing everyone. They seem to have made up for now, but I’m not throwing out my toaster receipt just yet.
Big Egg & Rosemary's Baby: We check back in with Ed, who is like a pink sour patch kid sitting by the pool, mulling over his break up with Rose, and decides to head back to the hotel room to see if he could interest her in a pair of tweezers for her slight unibrow….. But much to his surprise, Rose was gone along with all of her accessories. He cries, pining for his “Queen”, probably sad to realize she would rather deal with diseased rats in her shoes than deal with him. We see Ed set off on the plane ride home, looking over his photos from his trip, wondering where it all went wrong….. Zooming in on the pool pictures, thinking of how he could have given her some Crest whitestrips…...
David & Surprise Lana: David’s segment opened with the fateful meeting with Lana on the steps, again. He whispered sweet “Mmmm”s of joy in her ear, as they embraced in the frigid Ukranian air. Lana admitted that David was attractive, better than most of the guys… oops, she meant, better than she expected, though she, like everyone else that isn't obsessed with “The Matrix, wasn’t into his weird trench coat. While David stared and smiled, we got to know a little more about surprise mystery woman Lana. We saw her traipsing about the streets of "Keev" looking like a snack,wrapped in tinfoil. She loves makeup and can't wait to try all of the best Wet N Wild has to offer, once stateside. She enjoys long walks to the makeup store in silver puffy jackets,fitness, and American men that say “mmmmmm”. She insists that she told David the truth each time she cancelled on meeting up with him, but is finally ready to see if they will have a spark in person so she can come to Sephora. She likes frothy drinks, using the internet, and receiving erotic lotion from Victoria’s Secret from men in trench coats…. (Well at least we hope so). I for one am excited to continue learning more about Lana, and see her grow to become the stepmother Mothra needs and deserves.
Yolander, party of one? Yolander?: Some time has passed since Yolander got the google image results back from the scientists at the lab, revealing Williams' true identity as a stock photo. She seemed determined to figure out who this mystery person she fell in love with really is, and is still planning to fly to "England" on a David-esque quest to find him. Process of elimination tells us that he is not Tom, because Tom’s in Canada fat-shaming strangers. It’s probably also not Prince William, though I’m not ruling that out entirely. The only thing that sets this episode of “Yolander party of one” apart is the smaller earrings and seductive background music. We are living in unprecedented times…..in a world where Lana is real and Varya comes to Knoxville. Anything could happen!
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2020.04.08 00:56 EricaShmericaOFF Episode 7 Recap

Quarantine length Recap: Before the 90 Days of Our Lives
Big Egg & Rosemarie's Baby: WARNING: The events that occurred in the story below may cause reader loss of appetite, vomiting, and extreme unease. The author takes no responsibility for reporting the herein events.
Back at the hotel, Ed tries to pamper his "Queen" with a romantic, sexy foot massage. He suggests she changes into her pink polyester pjs and the hotel bathrobe, while he does a superhero pose/victory dance that she actually fell for it. Rose comes out to a champagne toast, as Ed busts out the mayo-infused massage oil to shine up her leg hair. He then asks how to say the word kiss in her language, which turns out to be "halik". Rose should have seen where this was going....the whole scene outwardly looked like "To catch a Predator" and I kept waiting for Chris Hansen to barge in. Ed haliked Rose on the lips for 0.3 seconds and proclaimed it was the best.day.everrrrr. The next morning Big Egg woke sunny-side up with his cascading mayo locks, peering over at Rosemarie as she was laying in bed. Big Ed confirmed they enjoyed a passionate evening together with the aide of the champagne and he was excited to do it again. Rosemarie complained that Ed's beard was scratchy on her face, but it just might be the microdermabrasion she needs and goes along with the spa theme of their relationship. On the subject of body hair, Ed mentions that Rosehairy had some Yeti legs going on and they made a shaving pact; her legs for his face. After the sheering commenced, they traveled back to her hometown to meet her family and see where she lives. A disheveled Ed is walking around in that orange shirt like a melting little creamsicle, taking in the sites and scents of former Rosehairy's town. Ed meets Rose's son, Prince, who promptly calls him Daddy, and it's just getting harder to pick out the cringiest part of this episode. The couple walked beyond the CD cover curtain that revealed Rose's entire family shouting "surprise" with a welcome feast. They asked Ed what he thought about the house, which was decorated with floral sheets over cinder blocks, a shabby jail chic style. There were piles of toys and cages with bunnies- Why were there cages of bunnies?!? There were kittens and a rooster invited to dinner (who was invited first, the chicken or Big Egg?) Rose's brother in law was wearing Tania's signature pink t-shirt to show his support for the show. Rose's dad was late to the party, but arrived looking skeptical of poor Ed, sweating buckets. Ed brings up the issue of Rose's sister asking him for money, which I think will be the theme of next week.
Prince Joffrey & Varya: First things first, their intro music is always the best. After a full week of his Russian tour, it's time for Prince Joffrey to head to Siberia to meet the Queen Mum. Varya explains that mom doesn't want her to move to the U.S., which seems like she and Joffrey have a lot in common already. The couple hopped aboard a plane for the 5 hour flight to Siberia. They took a video of themselves in the bathroom, joining the "Mile High Club". I'm impressed that they both fit in an airplane bathroom, and hope they listened to the Trans-Siberian orchestra to get in the mood. On the far drive to the house, Varya asks what present Joffrey is bringing for her mother, which of course the answer is nipple tats. Additionally, he stops to pick weeds from the side of the road, which hopefully she isnt allergic to. They arrive at Varya's mother's apartment and we are introduced to her mom, Larissa, the human crossword puzzle. It was hard to pay attention to the scene, as I was just trying to figure out if there was a hidden message in her mom's dress. Varya described her mom as a traditional, tough Siberian woman, which I pictured more like someone from Game of Thrones, House Starke. But alas, there was no wolf pelt jacket, pet tigers or even a siberian husky.......only a nice lady with an alphabet dress and meat dumplings. Varya's mom must've done her Google homework on Joffrey, as she seemed concerned for Varya's safety. Looks like next week is confession time for Joffrey, as hes about to come clean about his criminal past to Varya. Do you know the traditional way to say "goodbye" in Siberia? Znippletatz.
BGL & Assman: Meanwhile, back at the Sokoto Motor Murder Lodge....... BGL is alone in the Chalet suite and annoyed, yet again, since Assman left her for way too long while walking his friend out. It seems as though Assman has hit a breaking point with his babylove and doesn't want to feel like he's on lockdown with her (good thing it wasn't Coronavirus time yet). Babygirl listens, scowling, while Sojaboy suggests that maybe they go their separate ways. I can see where BGL is frustrated and confused. I think she's analyzing their relationship like Dwight Schrute: 1. "I'll be there for you" FALSE. You were outside with your friend for 34 minutes and left me alone
2."I'll say a prayer for you" FALSE. You just said I was not God.
  1. "I'll shave my leg hair for you" FALSE. That was Rose In the next scene, BGL is alone, after Sojaboy took off into the night. I think she needs to take a nice, cold bucket shower and relax. He returns at 2am Sokoto time to discuss their argument and his valid concerns about Babygirl trying to control him. With his hookah in hand, he tells her that he respects her as a person, but they can't be fighting all day 'erry day. He fears that his life will be like "Misery" in the U.S. with his Babygurl Kathy Bates calling the shots. BGL explains that she's just tired from traveling and sleeping on box springs and inhaling second hand hookah. They seemed to have made up for now, and it looks like there will be a goat purchase next week. Can't wait.
Darcey and Tomfoolery: Darcey, leaving her 80 lbs of overnight luggage with the hostess, glided into the lounge and snubbed Tom's kiss greeting, only allowing a handshake. (That's the kind of passive-aggressive shade I'm into!!). Tom scoffs, and awkwardly stares at her, unsure of where to start the conversation. Darcey makes chit chat, before going in for the digs, making comments about his lack of enthusiasm on her 15th birthday (I mean 45th) and his lack of correspondence. She's doing a lot of fast blinking, teeth clenching, hair twirling and ambivalent shrugging. Tom asks what happened to their relationship, which caused minor puddles to form in her eyes. But Darcey heard her inner voice say "you be strong, bitch", and hung in. Tom goes on to say that Darcey is emotionally unavailable towards him, while she accused him of trying to hide the other woman he neglected to mention. He admits he met someone who loves him the way he needs to be loved, then drones on to say that Darcey talked about her past relationship with Jesse too much, which is an illusion. He says he loves Darcey like Peppa Pig, aka his sister, to which she says shes done, to which he says try not to ruin the next one, to which she says "Check, please! I'll buy his coffee", like a boss. They continued making high school jabs until Tom pulled the ultimate jerk move and asked if she had gained weight. Darcey finally got up and left, lugging her rock collection along in her suitcase. There was an appropriate amount of crying afterwards and I was proud of her. This storyline is 100% categorically done and dusted.
The NewYork State of Health Guy in the commercials in between: What a creep. He keeps telling me to wash my hands but like a "perp"on SVU.....oh wait. I'm not supposed to be recapping him...
Stephanie & Erika not Shmerika: The girls are off to their day date plans of crafting with their boobies. The objective was to make a literal bust of each others busts and then decorate it with paint and sparkles. Though I loved everything about the studio decor and the instructor, the project itself was a bit odd, if for no other reason than where would one display that afterwards? Stephanie felt uncomfortable getting to second base in front of the other crafters and cameras. When asked by another boobie-crafter about their future plans of being together, Erika didn't sound too keen on picking up and moving any time soon. This seemed like news to Stephanie, though you assume they would have talked about this before. After they cleaned off their plaster boobs, the girls got dressed up and went for a fancy dinner. Stephanie got Erika a "hair vine" accessory as a gift so she could feel like a princess. (She probably would've preferred a fun colored platic/rhinestone tiara from Claire's). At dinner, Stephanie brought up the fact that she's more prude in person than she appears online, and she was also feeling "uncomfortable" about seeing a dating app on Erika's phone. Erika deletes the app, though she claims to only be using it for business, and storms out of the restaurant leaving her hair accessory behind. She feels like Stephanie is taking control lessons from the BGL handbook. You know what I think? Where are the damn koalas already???!!
Yolander, party of one, Yolander: Are we still doing this? We've been watching this woman pretend to book a plane ticket for over a month, but this time she was wearing saltine crackers on her ears. (Maybe they were matzah for Passover tomorrow night?) After getting everyone in the mood for cheese and crackers....we watched Yolander's daughter Karra deliver the hard truth that Williams is infact Sojaboy. Yolander is in complete disbelief that her British bombshell is actually a Nigerian scammer after receiving an email trying to extort money in exchange for her provocative photos. I mean, at this point, who even cares anymore. I think the fact that she thought this man was British is more embarrassing than any nude photo. Let's be done with Yolander, please/thanks.
Avery & Ashtray: Avery is pleased with her internet boyfriend, despite the interview last week with his brother, Jafar. She and Ashtray set off on a "couples retreat" to tropical northern Australia. They went on a beach side picnic to discuss their relationship and Avery brought up some concerns. She wants to know the truth about meeting his ex wife and his son, without his rehearsed relationship coach mumbo jumbo. Hopefully they'll be able to enjoy their vacation and someone will pet a damn koala.
Missing this week was David, who may actually be missing since he's driving on some dangerous road in the Ukraine to meet his imaginary friend.
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2020.03.18 02:19 EricaShmericaOFF Before the 90 Days of Our Lives Recap, episode 4

Prince Joffrey & Varya: Joffrey woke up all by his lonesome in his Russian hotel room, then met Varya in the lobby as his tour guide for the day. They toured the "Red Square" in Moscow, to which Joffey proclaimed that "We don't have anything like this in America!", because I guess he thought there would just be a Target and a Walgreens or something. They held hands, kissed, and Varya jumped up and down a lot. They were getting along so well, that Varya decided to give in to staying with Joffrey at the hotel that night. The next morning, Joffrey is looking all Quagmire and discussing their giggidty from the night before. This is where the star of the show comes onscreen..........the nipple tats. Are they bear claws using the nipple as the center? Are they wonky eyelashes that Darcey just can't seem to keep on? Are they a ray of a tribal sun orbiting the central areola? Did he get them in jail? Lost a bet? I can't look away, and can't stop thinking why he was so confident in unleashing these bad boys to an international audience. I mean the other tattoos were just horrible, but these were in a category of their own. I did not pay attention to the details of their conversation about visiting Varya's hometown, because Nipple Tats. I was hoping that he also had a tattoo of dolphins encircling his belly button, but no such luck. Ok, I'll move on..... While Varya was blow drying her hair for 3 1/2 years with one of those crappy hotel hair dryers, she got very jealous over seeing another woman's name "engraved" on Joffrey's comb. (Note to Varya, Joffrey was not married to "Sally Beauty Supply", they just stamp that on all of the combs in the factory in China. Your psycho is showing). Maybe they're well matched after all! I mean if a comb bothers you but the nipple tats left you unphased...... The couple heads to Varya's hometown so Joffrey can see how she lives. Varya owns her apartment, which reminded Joffrey of his nipple tats. I mean, his time in prison. Between the exposed wiring and lack of a sink, she seems to be living in a Fixer Upper before demo day. Joffrey starts getting suspicious that Varya has an ultimate goal of coming to the U.S., being that she's living in shambles without any urgency in completing her project house, and thinks she's banking on moving to America with him eventhough they've only been online dating for 3 months. He's feeling very skeptical, as they unfold the leopard pull out couch to go to bed. Nipple tats.
BGL & Assman: Ok, sometimes to do these recaps I have to watch an episode or segment up to 3 times to actually pay attention. All I'm going to say, is I better start getting paid, because it's going to cost a lot in therapy to forget about the things from this week. That being said..... This week opened with BGL and Assman's first morning together as a solidified couple in Nigeria. Their "pillow talk" consisted of Usman being tired, and Babylove calling him lazy. BGL explains that Assman was inexperienced in the realm of oral passion, and she had to teach him the ways. This is when I went into Usman's home bathroom to retrieve the third bucket reserved for vomit...... Sojaboy-toy described their love-making as "70% good, and that's good enough" (Between him and Azan I'm trying to figure out why men from Africa describe things in percentages). And if all of this wasn't enough, BGL has to reiterate her "no condom use" theme by taking a few useless packs of condoms given to her by her friends out of her dusty beat up suitcase,(no judgement there, mine is always covered in dog hair), while the camera panned over her sanitary napkin and mullet dress. She brought up the condomless evening to Sojaboy, who agreed it was a wild time. Next stop on the vomit train was a Nigerian breakfast with the new Goofballs, which consisted of miscellaneous meat, fish, spaghetti, and pancakes. They discuss meeting Sojamom and the difficulties they may have in getting her blessings for marriage. Apparently mother Assman thinks this evil older white lady is bringing her son to the U.S. as a slave, when in reality, she's just trying to have him live in her house, boss him around, make him go "downtown", and take over his music "career". She's way off! BGL ignores the warnings of the Newfballs (my new name for the new goofballs), and is angry that Assman isn't fighting against all odds for their 70% good love. The couple is accompanied by the Newfballs on their way to Kaduna to experience a day in the life of Superstar Sojaboy. BGL is packing up her dusty bags, and heading out of the hotel like Miss America with her flower bouquet and teddybear. Meanwhile, Assman's cell phone is blowing up, and babygirl Lisa is suspicious, as she should be (Yolanda keeps calling to see where he is!). She arrives at the house, thinking it's going to be something out of MTV Cribs, and is shocked to see the tight knit sleeping arrangements, poop buckets, and wobbly toilets. (My new favorite detail was that the wobbly toilet had a fuzzy decorative toilet seat cover? I bet girly Usman put that on there). Sojaboy confessed to his squad that he can already tell BGL is more difficult in person than he expected. He seems apprehensive to introduce her to the music industry bigwigs of Kaduna in next week's episode, though I personally can not wait.
Big Egg & Rosemarie's Baby: The cab lands at the hotel in Manila where Ed and Rosemarie will be spending their first night together. Rosemarie has never had a slumber party, and forgot her pajamas. While Ed was in the bathroom possibly doing a mayo treatment, Rose was pulling the covers up so she just looked like the girl from "the Grudge", and pretending she was "fake sleeping" worse than a toddler. Ed was under the impression they would stay up hanging out, watching t.v. and talking, but Rose was fake exhausted from faking understanding Ed's jokes all day, so the King and Queen went to bed. The next morning they woke up and Ed hand fed Rose cornflakes from their room service like she was a goat at the petting zoo. Rose complained that Ed blasted the A.C. at night, which is a fight I can relate to. They stepped out of the hotel with Ed's neon sneakers and hit the streets of Manila for some shopping. Big Egg turned into an omelette from the heat within the first 30 minutes, leaking Hollandaise stains all over his shirt. Rose was grabbing money from Ed's wallet and giving away his change, causing Eggie to have a literal meltdown. I still at this juncture really like Ed and look forward to next week, when he pulls a Paul and asks Rose to take an STD test.
Avery & Ashtray: It's the big day- Avery has landed in Melbourne and is meeting Ashole for the very first time. They seemed to be genuinely happy and compatible at the airport, though JackAsh's eyes were wild like he just snorted something. The Zoolander caliber couple set off on the wrong side of the road, holding each other's well-moisturized hands to head to their Air Bnb. Avery claims she wants to stay in different bedrooms so their spirits can connect first, though she loved her black funeral roses from Ashtray's shady florist. Ashole is obviously a narcissist and it seems like every time he talks about Avery, he only mentions how much she loves him. Cant wait to see them pee in the ocean. together....
David & the 1992 Ladies of Ukraine Calendar: I, for one, have been excited to meet David, a 60 year old man from Las Vegas with fabulous 1980s dad hair. His ambitions include traveling the country in an RV, and randomly selling vintage unicycles on the black market out of his garage while demonstrating his sweet cycling skills set to French music (how did this even come up? Do you think production asked him to write down 10 of the most random things about himself and riding a unicycle was one of them??). Also amidst the randomness and a guiding factor for his dating life, was his childhood obsession with Boris and Natasha. Something about that Vampire voice and flat head really does it for him. He has been in a virtual relationship for 7 years with his 27 year old Ukranian beauty, Lana, who he only communicates with over a very expensive paid chat site. Nothing fishy here! (Sidenote: I do a great Natasha impression and will chat for $1.50/minute, if you're listening Dave!). Dave's friends voiced their concern that this woman is taking advantage of him, but it just falls on dead ears. (Every couple on the show has to have at least one intervention with friends). We got to accompany Dave and Lana on a virtual picnic at a local park, where Lana sent several intriguing emojis in regards to their upcoming meeting. He then reveals that they have "intimate" chats, with even sexier emojis, which cost much more than my offer. Dave also has a video chat with Anya, a former Ukrainian fling, who he now considers a close friend. She is skeptical that Lana will not show, seeing as how she has stood Dave up the last 3 times he went to the Ukraine. Seems like he has a few ladies in his Ukrainian stable, and if the 4th time isn't a charm, he can always chit chat with Maria (or Natalie, if he's into Fatal Attraction). Let's hope Dave can soon trade in his unicycle for a bicycle built for two.
Stephanie & Erika not Shmerika: S & E are excitedly chatting about the upcoming visit to the land of Oz, while her adorable pug looked on. Erika hopes Stephanie gets along well with her friends while in town, and has a bunch of fun things planned. Stephanie packed up some cute outfits along with lots of antibiotics in preparation for her trip. Nothing crazy to report yet again, but I'm hoping there are koalas in her future.
Darcey, just Darcey: Darcey, Stacey, and their friend are relaxing at a spa, day drinking fancy mimosas, and rehashing delusions. There seem to be so many pointless episodes leading up to the pointless meeting of Darcey and Tom, who are not even dating. I'd rather watch her run on the treadmill again for like 10 minutes. Its pretty amazing that most of the couples on the show have to save up and get the chance to meet their significant other, and then men Darcey isn't even dating fly in just to say they're done but appreciate her. Anyway, I'm guessing this episode was about mimosas, and "Girl Power". You know they just want Darcey on to poke fun at her. They may as well dissolve the relationship storyline and film her at the DMV, or a PTA meeting, or on the phone with AT&T. All would be more interesting than what is currently happening.
Missing this week was Yolander, who looks like she'll be returning next week. Missing permanently is William's, who doesnt exist.
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2020.03.12 03:49 EricaShmericaOFF BEFORE THE 90 DAYS OF OUR LIVES; Episode 3

Joffrey & Varya: During the longest car ride back from the airport ever, Joffrey and Varya are suffering in extreme awkwardness. Not exactly sure why Varya decided to wear a lemon yellow Hillary Clinton-esque power suit to meet her internet love, but it only added to the weirdness. They arrive at the hotel, where Joffrey will be sleeping alone. Varya tells him that she promised her girlfriends she would stay with them, as it's too soon to shack up with some guy from the internet. Prince Joffrey does attempts to cut the tension by talking about their awkward first encounter, and gets super defensive while doing so. He seems to almost be getting annoyed with her already, because it's not an immediate connection. Before abandoning him in a foreign land for the evening, Varya, who is still wearing a Paula Poundstone circa 1992 blazer, brings Joffrey out on the town for fine Russian cuisine. She insists that he order some beets/onion/herring/mayo tower of terror looking concoction, and maybe it's all for the best that she isn't spending the night..... At dinner, Varya questioned him about his previous relationship and his kids, and he was less than forthcoming with any of that information. This is what happens when you go for the cutest guy that contacts you on Anastasia.com. Russian Red flags everywhere.
Baby Girl Lisa & Assman: The plane is about to land in the bustling metropolis of Kaduna, Nigeria. But first, we got to experience a day in the life of Assman. On this episode of "Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous", we see Usman wake up and hit the hookah / check his phone to answer all of the babygirls he's scamming, all the while trying not to disturb the random guy sleeping next to him in bed who turns out to also be named Usman (Is"Usman" like John Smith over there? There seem to be an abundance of them). Assman also shares his quarters with his friend Ahmed the Giant, who must have lost in "Rock Paper Scissors", and has to sleep on the floor. Sojaboy, being the super star he is, gets to use the ensuite bathroom first, which involves showering with one bucket and doing his business in another. (Why were his friends waiting in line for the bathroom if they poop in buckets? Like just go grab another bucket... is the scenery nicer in there or something?) Sojaboy tells his friends about Baby Girl Lisa coming to visit, and passes her photo around on his phone for show and tell. Assman brings the new "goofballs" to the airport to retrieve BGL. She got off the plain with 2" of grey roots and ran to Assman as fast as her socks-with-sandaled feet could take her! They did seem genuine in their initial moments embracing at the airport, and then making out like teenagers in the back of the car ride to the airport. Assman admitted she had "more belly" than he liked, and made faces to his friends when BGL wasnt looking. They arrive at the hotel, where the new couple gave the Goofballs 2.0 the slip. Production asked Assman how he felt about sleeping with Lisa, to which he admitted that she is not someone he is normally attracted to (perhaps 55%), but anatomically speaking, they have the right equipment to get the job done.They rolled around on the bed, and BGL was clear about what was on her mind. She kicked production out, and probably made him sing "the song " to get in the mood. Can't wait for next week, and I wrote my own lyric "Baby Girl Lisa, I will pray for yoooou girl (that you dont get dysentery and have to use the poop bucket)".
Stephanie and Erika with a K: Stephanie is a super cute girl originally from the Czech Republic, now living in Yonkers with great hair. She's a YouTuber by trade, who sings songs about pizza, and has fallen in love with another girl with great hair, Erika with a K from Australia. Stephanie and Erika not Shmerika had been chatting online for awhile and Stephanie is now trying to decide how to tell her mother she is going "down under" with girls. Her mother is worried about her traveling, due to her rare autoimmune disorder. Nothing too crazy to report with these two, I guess we will have to wait and see.
Darcey, just Darcey: Darcey hits the gym with extra cleavage to spare. She does a little leg lift thing, lifts some weights, then runs for her life on the treadmill (whoever came up with the idea for this scene should be proud of themselves...genius). While burning calories, she discusses recieving photos of Tom (by way of Stacey's fiance Florian) and some blonde girl in Nottingham, looking like she might also be getting the key to Tom's house. Darcey is very hurt and feels betrayed. ......by the guy she isn't seeing and blocked on Instagram. Stacey picks her up from her workout in her Nissan Altima, and they speed off to sit and trash talk Tom. There's really no story here, but it's always nice to see an old familiar face.....well, it's getting less familiar each season.
Big Egg & Rosemarie's Baby: Big egg has made his final descent upon the Philippines and is excited to meet Rose for the first time, as are we all. We get to see Rose in her natural habitat, which was very modest, to say the least. She and her son live with her sister and her kids in two rooms behind her sister's store. They sleep on a roll up mattress on the floor (Which will hopefully be the right size for Ed's fancy sheets), they do their laundry in a plastic tub on the street and there are roosters walking around. (Sidenote, this place would go for about $2000/month in New York.. they'd list it as "cozy, open concept with friendly neighborhood fowl"). Hopefully Ed, with his experience in kitchen and bath design, will be able to remodel their hot plate kitchen and poop bucket to more of a "rustic modern" look. After the house tour, Rose pretty much admits she's in this to start a new life for herself and her son (can't blame her, I also love indoor plumbing). We also met the family Rosemarie, her sister Maria and their dad, while they all shared a yogurt snack. They discussed Ed's upcoming visit, and voiced their concerns about his size and intentions. Finally the moment we have all been waiting for; Rose and Ed see each other for the first time! They both seem happy and excited, though their car ride was not nearly as sexy as BGL and Assman....not many things are. Rose did realize that Ed lied about his height, and that hes a bit more egg shaped in person, but she's in it to win it.
Avery & Ashhole: Avery is gearing up for her flight to meet Ashole all the way down under. Meanwhile, we get a glimpse into the life of jackAsh... We first see him squatting in cold water to attune with nature, or pee in the ocean or something. He shows us an example of his professional life, as he flirted with some woman on video chat. He admits to dating a lot, which is backed up by his local florist (Ash is probably helping put the florist's kids through college). This guy is shady, blinky, twitchy, and sneaky. We'll get to see him meet Avery next week, and yet, I am underwhelmed.
Yolandaler, party of one, Yolander: Yolander sits down in a bougie juice bar to text and video chat with "The Williams', but no such luck. Later, while sitting on her air mattress in her bedroom with nothing in it, she tells production that Williams has changed his instagram name and deleted all photos. She still can't get a hold of him, and we're all just left to wonder why she is on the show and who would believe this and just why. After all we went through with Caesar, just why. Are we going to have to wait 13 weeks and then the Nigerian Williams will pull a Maria and make an appearance via satellite? Will he go on to hang out with Jesse? I'm growing impatient with Yolander and her purpley blue eyeliner....you're turning into a Caesar salad.
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2020.02.27 20:10 EricaShmericaOFF Before the 90 Days of Our Lives, episode 1

Geoffrey & Varya: Geoffrey (though I keep calling him Joffrey in my head ala Game of Thrones) is a seemingly normal looking guy from Tennesee with a bit of a past. He has been married a few times, has 3 kids by two different women, and suffered extreme heart break losing his young son. He met Varya from Russia online on an international dating site. She is described to be a radio personality and career driven woman. Geoffrey goes to visit some random older woman he knows from Russia with a really nice house to discuss his upcoming visit to Moscow. Olga, the token Russian friend, looks like her head got stuck in an oscillating fan, and they were able to salvage one lone piece in the front before taking a dull knife to hack the rest of her hair off, freeing her from said fan. Besides Olga's confusing hair and her beautiful kitchen, it sounded like her only other purpose was to tell Geoffrey to be weary of Russian women speaking English in a "takes one to know one " kind of way. The previews seem to look like Olga might be right...
Big Ed & Rosemarie: Cue the fun surf music, it's finally time to meet self proclaimed "Big Ed", a 53 year old photographer from San Diego (or as Anchorman would say, the "Whale's Vagina"). Big Ed seems to be a fun-loving guy, though he stands at a whopping 4'11" and sports a slightly egg-shaped physique. Ed has a 29 year old daughter Tiffany, who he's very close with from his previous marriage, which ended because HE was unfaithful to HER (Possible Napoleon complex much??). He seems to be pretty confident with himself despite being vertically challenged and seems like a lot of fun, though it's hard to get a full read this early in the game- so far I like him. He shares his life with his tiny dog, Teddy, who has the coolest spaceship looking backpack that he rides in while tooling around town on Ed's Vespa. Although Teddy is his ride or die, he decided to look for love on the interweb and found Rosemarie, a 23 year old girl from the Philippines. Rosemarie is a single mom to the son formerly known as Prince, and lives with her family who are super poor. Ed has become best buds with the UPS staff, as he's there weekly shipping random things to the Philippines as gifts, but also to help make his stay more comfortable (i.e. he requires 1000 thread count sheets for his super sensitive skin, which in conjunction with shipping, may cost as much as her rent for the month). We got to meet Ed's mom, Norma, who doesn't love the idea of Big Egg venturing to meet Rosemarie. Sounds like daughter Tiffany is also upset about it, as she hasn't spoken to Ed since finding out. Ed apparently takes great pride in his long scraggly hair, and performs an entire scene where he does a DIY hair mask by applying mayonnaise to his head with a spatula, to avoid harsh chemicals while also getting that Hellman's glow. As a haircare professional, I can't really speak on what this does for your hair, other than make me want a Turkey sandwich. After salon time, Ed hops on video chat with Rosemarie, where they just kind of smile at each other and she told her son to call him "daddy", which was a super cringey moment. Ed tried to ask Rosemarie if she was talking to other people, primarily Americans online, to which her Skype magically stopped working. (She didn't even have to say she was from Finland). Ed is definitely enjoying his time in the spotlight, so good for him. This story should be interesting, and if nothing else, entertaining.
Baby Girl Lisa & Assman/Sojaboy: The intro to Lisa was the most impressive in 90 Day History. She was in the process of getting a full body wax in preparation for her big trip to meet Assman aka Sojaboy, her 30 year old Nigerian boyfriend. Apparently Asprin is some famous Nigerian singemovie star, but the only celebrity in Nigeria that I'm familiar with is Angela. Baby Girl Lisa spends her days trolling Assman's social media for heart emojis, telling him to "tighten it up" when it comes to the other women. Baby Girl Lisa (who will now be known as BGL because I'm lazy and don't want to keep typing it out) and Nikki sat down over iced frappa-somethings to discuss Lisa's journey to meet her Nigerian superstar. I thought Lisa and Nikki were sisters, being that they had the same crunchy Depp gel hair and kind of look alike. I couldn't stop staring at Nikki's tattoo of a floating Marilyn Monroe face and matching "Monroe" piercing. Nikki tried to bring BGL back to reality by mentioning that she can't possibly marry this guy without having met him in person, and experiencing him biblically (I'm going to dance around this portion, as I hope to one day stop gagging). BGL is not worried about their physical interaction as she has a "secret weapon"; She is going to let Assman get the love without the glove, something he claims to have never experienced previously. She also tells Nikki that she had him tested for AIDS, which hopefully included a slew of other STDs she will most likely be experiencing in her near future. Nikki seemed skeptical, but BGL threatened to make her listen to the "I'll go there for you baby girl Lisa" song Assman wrote her for the 100th time, so she kept quiet. I'll admit the song is very romantic and catchy, and convenient that you can just autotune anyone's name in whenever you feel like they might be your ticket to the U.S. I just cant wait to see his disappointment when he realizes that York, PA and New York are two different places.....
New Avery & Ashtray: Well, her name may be Avery (Just glad this one isn't thinking of going to Syria), but she reminds me of Deavan from 90 Day The Other Way. New Avery is a single mom of two living in Seattle. After her last relationship didn't work out, she moved back to Seattle to start over with her daughters and persue her passion of putting pot leaves in salad. (This is why I stay away from salad, it could be illegal). She also works with her ex boyfriend who's a big pothead or big in the world of cannabis or something I don't fully understand. She tells her ex/weed dealer about Ash, her new online love from Australia. Ashtray is an Instagram "relationship coach", who specifically coaches single women. On Instagram. Sounds legit to me! This may be the best scam yet, as he can just say all of his texts and messages from single women are work related and theoretically mean it, while flirting with them for money- genius. She's actually a really pretty girl and could easily find another guy who enjoys weed that likes to talk to other women on the internet right here in the states (Michael from Love After Lockup, for example, and he's always taking applications). I'm guessing this is why they've already broken up 3xs in their 9 month long distance relationship. Avery should hire Baby Girl Lisa to troll his page for heart emojis.
Yolanda & A random stranger that doesnt have a British accent: Yolanda is a 51 year old power walking, widowed mother of 6 from Las Vegas. After losing her husband of 30 years to kidney disease (and jail? That was confusing...they breezed right over that whole thing), she decided to lose a bunch of weight and post cute selfies online. This is when she met Williams, a random guy using a body builder's picture to scam ladies online. Yolanda loves his sexy British-Nigerian accent, and his thoughtful use of emojis. Her kids, on the the other hand, are spotting the red flags left and right. Her three sons (2 with rhyming names and all three with weird 80's mustaches), were questioning Yolanda's relationship, especially upon hearing she was venturing to England. I'm guessing this is going to be another Caesar situation, but maybe there will he a Catfish plot twist. Do we end up watching her have a fun time in England with her daughter, or do we need to call Liam Neison and his special set of skills? To be continued...
Missing from this episode were Darcey and Tom and a whole lot of crying. Also to behold in the future is the first same sex couple, who both have fabulous hair, and the 40 year old virgin.
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2020.02.24 19:20 fractalfay Baby I Will Pray for You: Recap of Before the 90 Days S04E01

Welcome to another fantastic season of Before the 90 Days, which promises the series’ first same sex couple and Darcey’s enrollment in Acting 102: The Girlfriend Experience. Sadly, this episode denies us the rainbow-haired greeting and Darcey wearing what appears to be a tshirt with titties on it underneath a wedding dress, but fret not, there is still much mayo to mess your mug.
In the ghost of 90DF past, Natalie burned out on a scooter to escape Ashley’s pre-Angela ponytail. Now Big Ed is here to show us the true magic of mounting the scooter steed, complete with tiny Teddy the Wonder Dog tucked into a bubble backpack. He scoots about town acknowledging friendly passers-by, tiny Teddy poking his little dog nose out the hatch window. Can you imagine being mad at Big Ed? That’s like being furious at a Prince song, or yelling at candy. It just doesn’t work.
Anyway, Big Ed got his nickname when he summoned it from the land of Narf: “Because I’m 4’11. I’m short. Because of the short thing. It’s ironic. Wait, is that ironic? Alanis Morrisette destroyed us all. I am short, so fake big. People say ‘Hey Big Ed’ and then the lulz happen. Get it?” he over-explains, for the first time but not the last.
Teddy the Wonder Dog is introduced as his best friend, which I support, because four legs good, two legs bad. To keep Teddy in biscuits, Big Ed is gainfully employed as a photographer, and he succeeds in not creeping out clients with his praise while they arrange themselves in leafy garments. He also has a spent marriage under his belt that fell apart because he cheated on The Mrs. Paul managed to justify arson, and Big Ed is all, “Yeah, I fucked up.” I’m going to pause to knight Sir Big Ed, first of his name, defender of self awareness, reclaimer of accountability, noble speaker to nicknames, carrier of the canine.
Big Ed spent 28 post-marriage years as a singleton, raising his daughter and rocking his career, until he entered the devil’s punch bowl known as The Facebook, and found a 19 year-old girl from the Philippines to love for her personality. He’s been sending Rosemarie gifts since their fourth week of acquaintance, and she hasn’t received any of them yet, but this hasn’t dissuaded Ed. Of course, many of the gifts he sent are his special requirements for his skin condition, but still, those pillows and fancy sheets will linger long after his itchy self is gone.
He scoots on over to UPS with his latest package, and introduces us to an attractive UPS employee that doubles as Big Ed’s therapist. The cameras zoom in on that wedding ring, because they’ve known our thirst since Larissa’s slow-jam of a lawyer bass-lined into our hearts. They also linger on the background Pride flag for a minute, so we know the UPS welcomes all parched persons.
Then Ed goes to visit his mom Norma, who resembles his daughter, to ask if she can dog sit Teddy. She’s an immigrant from Mexico herself, and is skeptical of Ed’s relationship, and his haircut. Big Ed reveals that he’s already bought a ring and he’s serious, but Mother Norma traverses this obstacle to press him about his daughter, and he admits he hasn’t considered her feelings about dating a woman younger than she is. They haven’t spoken in four weeks, and Ed realizes how foolish this is, and calls her from his car to leave a message, asking to talk to her about what she’s experiencing.
Did anyone else pause to make sure they were watching the right show when this happened? Did I get too high on Avery’s photographs?
Definitely, because is Ed’s next scene he’s trotting into his kitchen wearing a festive kimono, to fetch his unlabeled hair mayonnaise from the fridge, and a slotted turner for application purposes. He monkey slaps the slotted wonder against the jar’s mouth, which fails to open enough to receive this utensil, then mushes it onto his head, all the while wearing latex gloves to protect his hands from the hazards of egg yolk. He quickly explains that this is a solution to a brittle hair problem informed by box dye devotion, and his daughter is holding vinegar rinse and rosemary oil wisdom hostage until he ghosts the 19 year-old.
Once he’s combed his hair into a full Fonzie, he skypes Rose, who has a hand-gesture conversation with Big Ed before she holds up a child named Prince to call Ed daddy, which in the tongue of 90DF means “man over 25.” Big Ed then admits that he doesn’t entirely trust her, and he’s “kind of a germaphobe” which means he’s going to need her to take an STD test.
“Fuck that!” Lisa interjects.
“Wow, my influence is really strong in this episode,” Paul is ready to help. “Remember, since there’s a margin of error, she should take at least six STD tests. No, eight. No, at least a dozen. I need to call Karine…”
Big Ed has also noted that she has 4,000 friends on Facebook, which definitely isn’t because she’s 19 years old and accepts any and every friend request. Unsettled by this headcount of strangers, he asks for more information, which reminds Rose that her internet connection has been acting up lately, so Big Ed is going to have to sort this out with Teddy and the UPS guy over mayo.
Remember that marijuana leaf I’m trashed on? Meet Avery, a Seattle stereotype doing yoga on the beach, the cameras faithfully recording every pose from the most sexualized angle possible. She’s a single mom, dental hygienist, and Grey’s Anatomy enthusiast, but still leaves (see what I did?) sufficient time for her true passion: taking photographs of pot leaves on top of food. Now I don’t have a degree in weed or anything, but I’m pretty sure the bulk of the high comes from a component of the plant known as the bud, which is generally broken up and either cooked into a candy confection of some kind, or stuffed into a pipe for my partner to loudly judge from the open window of our kitchen. The leaves are for making tea when you’ve fucked up and run out of weed.
Avery met an instagram dude from Australia named Ash, who is a relationship coach, specializing in women he wants to fuck. This coaching is communicated through bug-eyed videos stuffed fat with a hodgepodge of new age circle-jerk phrases.
“Female energy connection journey,” He begins. “Communication gratitude motivation positive conscious negativity togetherness pleasure. Toxins true heart-centered twin-flame dream it be it core feminine power. Cursive signature, vague reference to eastern traditions, photo of a sunset.”
Wooed by this gobbledegook, Avery is planning a visit to meet him, hoping he’s a better option than the dot-com dudebro who talked her into moving to California and naming her child Silver (as in hi-ho). Sure, she’s a single mom without much money to spend, but that has never stopped anyone on this show. At the same time, she’s skeptical of his very specific business, but is still willing to lean hard on a babysitter tasked with caring for her children while she heads down under and see if this man is above board (I did it again).
Before doing this, she stops by to hang out with her friend Jared, whom she describes as a “pretty big deal in the cannabis industry.” Something tells me all of her relationships include a person she would describe in similar fashion, with similar apartments with lavish views. Anyway, Jared has preserved a single pot leaf in a green bag, so that she can pull it out and sniff it and ask the oracle if this is the one, while he looks at her in confusion and wonders if she wants more from the dumpster he’s filled out back. Jared and Avery dated many moons ago, and according to Jared, she drove him to the brink of madness with her sniffed-leaf salads, and he’s worried that this is going to be another bad decision.
Avery has no shortage of attractive friends, and later meets another set of them so they can express astonishment at her choices. Avery admits that it’s possible that, as a relationship coach, he might just know the right things to say. She confesses there have been “red flags,”and these flags need to have a theme song already if we’re going to keep saluting them while they wave in the air. Said flags include a bankruptcy, which prevents him from visiting her in the US. Ash says this bankruptcy is due to a shady business partner who took all of his money, and he kept this under wraps because…hmm. Josh and Jen are worried. Avery then harkens back to the first time the red ran up the pole, when she noticed THE FACEBOOK status of Ash was not switched to “in a relationship” or “it’s complicated” or “for fuck’s sake delete facebook already.” So they took the left hand path to THE INSTAGRAM, and discovered the photos he had posted of Avery were deleted. Nothing else, just the Avery pics. Red flag waving in the breeze, Ash explains that this was the work of a rogue hacking collective responsible for countless unsolicited dick pics, and publicly posted racist comments. Quick, someone call Neo to get inside the Matrix and bring this menacing band of selective deleters to justice! This information leaves Josh and Jen staring at her blankly, wondering if this free trip and television debut is worth meeting yet another man with mayo hair.
On to Geoffrey, whom you might recognize from the classic Julia Roberts’ movie Sleeping With the Enemy. When Geoffrey’s not turning around all the cans in the cupboard so the labels face forward, or discovering his wife chopped her hair and flushed her ring to flee to another country, he’s trolling the internet for someone who doesn’t have access to American media.
Let’s just hit the bullet points of this fucking guy: Not one but FOUR ex-wives, all of which have accused him of domestic battery, one of whom accused him of repeatedly raping her, and a felony drug conviction that prevents him from moving to another country. Brittany, wife #4, is 19 years his junior, and has joint Canada-Jamaica citizenship. She fled to Canada, saying that he abused her and her two sons. Despite Brittney’s declaration that she feared for their safety, the judge inexplicably awarded custody to Geoffrey…and the kid died within one month. I’m not saying this is perfect math, but there’s enough equation there to equal how the fuck did that kid have a deadly seizure?
But you didn’t think he stopped at four instances of abuse, did you? He’s also accused of beating, raping, and kidnapping his last girlfriend. This instance, along with wife #3 submitting an affidavit attesting to him being a fucking psychopath, allowed Brittany to finally gain full custody of their remaining child. I mean, there’s “that’s questionable” and there’s “what the fuck is wrong with the producers?” This would be the latter.
Varia, who should be glad there’s cameras blocking her body, is Geoffrey’s next victim. His sons are hesitant about his upcoming travel to meet her, since they don’t know if Russian prisons allow for bail. He declares there’s a risk he’ll be heartbroken, because his whole emotional experience is in her hands. Later, he meets with a friend and the one woman in his life he hasn’t beat up yet, and…oh fuck this. I cannot stand writing another syllable about this piece of shit. The 90DF producers have committed an egregious error, deciding to keep this guy in the cast after details of his skeleton-stuffed closet came to light. We are a low-bar team, but I’m not giving a serial woman beater another wink of attention. Fuck you, Geoffrey.
Back to the sort of wow that we demand every Sunday: 90DF decides to give us a break from Geoffrey with something easier on the eyes, like armpit waxing. Meet Angela 2: Electric Boogaloo! Electros rule the dance floor now! Lisa’s got travel plans, and doesn’t want to arrive looking like she’s got a troll doll in a headlock. This is apparently just one tiny patch of her full body wax. Unless she’s a Sasquatch, I don’t understand this commitment to body baldness, but everyone assures me that scads of women shave every orifice and skin strip and apply the lost hair to their eyebrows.
Lisa is a hospice nurse, and met her man as a result of working late shifts, since she relies on social media for socializing. Guzman is reportedly a celebrity in Nigeria, and he cooked up a rap track as part of his woo-the-older-lady project. Guzman’s hip hop name is SojaBoy, not to be confused with Soulja Boy, who gifted us that Superman dance that entertained me at bus stops for years, and is destined to be performed by white people at weddings, and by me at my niece’s high school graduation while she hides in the bathroom. For rap hit inspiration, Guzman thumbed through an encyclopedia of generic romantic sentiment, called his single-ladies-only relationship coach, and dropped this track:
“My baby girl Lisa, having a head and two arms and a torso,” he Shakespeares. “Walking around eating food, going to sleep at night, paying her bills the third Thursday. I pray for you girl, that you will never google me girl. I’ll floss all my teeth for you girl. I’ll call you girl now girl. I’ll double that cheese now girl. I don’t need the patties or bun girl. Just give me that cheese girl. I love you so very. Loyalty.” Lisa swooned and clutched her chest.
Of course, like every older woman to grace this show, Lisa has concerns about the feee-males on The Facebook. In Lisa’s free time she scrolls through his every post and comment for reasons to be jealous. When she isolates a heart-shape, she screenshots it and sends it to Guzman, demanding to know why other people exist. She suggests he “tighten up his facebook” which assures us that she will hold US citizenship over his head for at least the next ten episodes.
Later, Lisa goes out for sugar bombs with friend Nikki, and encourages said friend to try the Oreo version of whatever the fuck she’s drinking, before adding, “Try a Nigerian, you might like him, too.” Okay, at least The OA (Original Angela) didn’t reference Michael as an object from a collection friends should browse for their pleasure chest. Lisa tells Nikki she’s getting married in Nigeria, because SojaBoy proposed to her, but she wants the proposal to also happen in person. Nikki wonders what she’ll do if the sex is no good, and Lisa interprets this as him disliking sex with her, and declares that she has a secret weapon.
“He has only ever had protected sex. Not with me,” she insists. “We’re going bareback, and then I will lock him down with HPV.”
“is that why you waxed?” Nikki is flummoxed.
“Bingo, bitch.”
Nikki still has a hard time believing he’s been loyal for the full two years of their relationship. Good thing Lisa has a rock-solid defense: “Did you hear that song he wrote for me?”
Yes, we heard it Lisa. Did you?
Sharing an age and nothing else with Lisa is Yolanda. She reports that she lost 150 pounds by power walking and working with a trainer, and was with her husband Duane for 30 years. He got sick and died of kidney disease, leaving her to raise six seemingly well-adjusted children, who describe her as “beautiful, kind.” Can we just stop and cry now, because this woman does not deserve to be on this show. I want to put her on the Bachelor where she’s surrounded by a ring of competitive men desperate for a surrendered rose. She needs more kindness and less con.
Anyway, after her husband’s death and her significant weight loss, she started posting on The Gram, where she met Williams: a 40 year-old restaurant manager who is possibly invisible. Yolanda declares that she enjoys the feeling of being liked, and she talks to him up to five times a day. She receives a flurry of text messages while talking to the camera, and Yolanda declares, “He puts a rose next to my name every time. How can you not fall in love with that?” Williams is going to have to register for Paul’s next awkward marathon into the jungle now, because everyone is coming for him if he does Yolanda dirty.
Yolanda reveals that she lied about her age, telling Williams she’s 45 instead of 51. She’s certain that they haven’t FaceTimed only because he doesn’t have a camera. Her daughter Cara isn’t having it. She shares a resale business with mom, and is the only one of the six children to know it’s 90DF filming, not a weight-loss show. Cara is not about to let her mother step off a plane to greet no one, so she’s coming with her. When she talks about Williams she giggles, and I’m wondering if she’s not ready for a real relationship yet, and is clinging to this fantasy for a low-stakes connection instead.
Later, Yolanda declares there’s nothing sexier than a British accent, and she calls Williams…who has an African accent. Will someone please download an episode of Downton Abbey or something for this woman? Yolanda then admits that initially he asked for money so he could book a Maria flight to not visit her, but she insisted that she would come visit him instead.
Yolanda reveals more about her relationship with Duane, who apparently had troubles with the law, and spent the last six years of his life in prison. He didn’t want visitors during this time, so Yolanda was denied the opportunity to say goodbye. Can someone please bring Teddy the Wonder Dog to Yolanda for comfort? Please? She gathers her children for dinner, and admits she met someone and is traveling to meet him. Her kids accuse the man of having a last name for a first name, and seem worried that he isn’t real. One daughter cries, perhaps because her mom is trying to move on, and then Yolanda cries and asks them to be happy for her, because she needs a partner. The well-adjusted children tone it down and say they hope it works out, and later take Cara aside to remind her she should go for the eyes and groin first. Meanwhile, everyone at home isolates a relative or friend better suited for Yolanda, and we will later debate the best options using charts and graphs.
Next week! Darcey tries on wedding dresses (proposal be damned!), Avery tells her parents they’re going to be watching her children for 2.5 weeks, Lisa’s friends plan an unsuccessful intervention, Yolanda becomes suspicious as Williams forgets where he lives, and Big Ed packs up his travel mayo for his overseas exodus.
Thank you, Patreon supporters! Interested parties should hustle to patreon.com/Fractalfay!
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2020.02.24 19:18 fractalfay Baby I will Pray for You: Recap of S04E01 of Before the 90 Days

Welcome to another fantastic season of Before the 90 Days, which promises the series’ first same sex couple and Darcey’s enrollment in Acting 102: The Girlfriend Experience. Sadly, this episode denies us the rainbow-haired greeting and Darcey wearing what appears to be a tshirt with titties on it underneath a wedding dress, but fret not, there is still much mayo to mess your mug.
In the ghost of 90DF past, Natalie burned out on a scooter to escape Ashley’s pre-Angela ponytail. Now Big Ed is here to show us the true magic of mounting the scooter steed, complete with tiny Teddy the Wonder Dog tucked into a bubble backpack. He scoots about town acknowledging friendly passers-by, tiny Teddy poking his little dog nose out the hatch window. Can you imagine being mad at Big Ed? That’s like being furious at a Prince song, or yelling at candy. It just doesn’t work.
Anyway, Big Ed got his nickname when he summoned it from the land of Narf: “Because I’m 4’11. I’m short. Because of the short thing. It’s ironic. Wait, is that ironic? Alanis Morrisette destroyed us all. I am short, so fake big. People say ‘Hey Big Ed’ and then the lulz happen. Get it?” he over-explains, for the first time but not the last.
Teddy the Wonder Dog is introduced as his best friend, which I support, because four legs good, two legs bad. To keep Teddy in biscuits, Big Ed is gainfully employed as a photographer, and he succeeds in not creeping out clients with his praise while they arrange themselves in leafy garments. He also has a spent marriage under his belt that fell apart because he cheated on The Mrs. Paul managed to justify arson, and Big Ed is all, “Yeah, I fucked up.” I’m going to pause to knight Sir Big Ed, first of his name, defender of self awareness, reclaimer of accountability, noble speaker to nicknames, carrier of the canine.
Big Ed spent 28 post-marriage years as a singleton, raising his daughter and rocking his career, until he entered the devil’s punch bowl known as The Facebook, and found a 19 year-old girl from the Philippines to love for her personality. He’s been sending Rosemarie gifts since their fourth week of acquaintance, and she hasn’t received any of them yet, but this hasn’t dissuaded Ed. Of course, many of the gifts he sent are his special requirements for his skin condition, but still, those pillows and fancy sheets will linger long after his itchy self is gone.
He scoots on over to UPS with his latest package, and introduces us to an attractive UPS employee that doubles as Big Ed’s therapist. The cameras zoom in on that wedding ring, because they’ve known our thirst since Larissa’s slow-jam of a lawyer bass-lined into our hearts. They also linger on the background Pride flag for a minute, so we know the UPS welcomes all parched persons.
Then Ed goes to visit his mom Norma, who resembles his daughter, to ask if she can dog sit Teddy. She’s an immigrant from Mexico herself, and is skeptical of Ed’s relationship, and his haircut. Big Ed reveals that he’s already bought a ring and he’s serious, but Mother Norma traverses this obstacle to press him about his daughter, and he admits he hasn’t considered her feelings about dating a woman younger than she is. They haven’t spoken in four weeks, and Ed realizes how foolish this is, and calls her from his car to leave a message, asking to talk to her about what she’s experiencing.
Did anyone else pause to make sure they were watching the right show when this happened? Did I get too high on Avery’s photographs?
Definitely, because is Ed’s next scene he’s trotting into his kitchen wearing a festive kimono, to fetch his unlabeled hair mayonnaise from the fridge, and a slotted turner for application purposes. He monkey slaps the slotted wonder against the jar’s mouth, which fails to open enough to receive this utensil, then mushes it onto his head, all the while wearing latex gloves to protect his hands from the hazards of egg yolk. He quickly explains that this is a solution to a brittle hair problem informed by box dye devotion, and his daughter is holding vinegar rinse and rosemary oil wisdom hostage until he ghosts the 19 year-old.
Once he’s combed his hair into a full Fonzie, he skypes Rose, who has a hand-gesture conversation with Big Ed before she holds up a child named Prince to call Ed daddy, which in the tongue of 90DF means “man over 25.” Big Ed then admits that he doesn’t entirely trust her, and he’s “kind of a germaphobe” which means he’s going to need her to take an STD test.
“Fuck that!” Lisa interjects.
“Wow, my influence is really strong in this episode,” Paul is ready to help. “Remember, since there’s a margin of error, she should take at least six STD tests. No, eight. No, at least a dozen. I need to call Karine…”
Big Ed has also noted that she has 4,000 friends on Facebook, which definitely isn’t because she’s 19 years old and accepts any and every friend request. Unsettled by this headcount of strangers, he asks for more information, which reminds Rose that her internet connection has been acting up lately, so Big Ed is going to have to sort this out with Teddy and the UPS guy over mayo.
Remember that marijuana leaf I’m trashed on? Meet Avery, a Seattle stereotype doing yoga on the beach, the cameras faithfully recording every pose from the most sexualized angle possible. She’s a single mom, dental hygienist, and Grey’s Anatomy enthusiast, but still leaves (see what I did?) sufficient time for her true passion: taking photographs of pot leaves on top of food. Now I don’t have a degree in weed or anything, but I’m pretty sure the bulk of the high comes from a component of the plant known as the bud, which is generally broken up and either cooked into a candy confection of some kind, or stuffed into a pipe for my partner to loudly judge from the open window of our kitchen. The leaves are for making tea when you’ve fucked up and run out of weed.
Avery met an instagram dude from Australia named Ash, who is a relationship coach, specializing in women he wants to fuck. This coaching is communicated through bug-eyed videos stuffed fat with a hodgepodge of new age circle-jerk phrases.
“Female energy connection journey,” He begins. “Communication gratitude motivation positive conscious negativity togetherness pleasure. Toxins true heart-centered twin-flame dream it be it core feminine power. Cursive signature, vague reference to eastern traditions, photo of a sunset.”
Wooed by this gobbledegook, Avery is planning a visit to meet him, hoping he’s a better option than the dot-com dudebro who talked her into moving to California and naming her child Silver (as in hi-ho). Sure, she’s a single mom without much money to spend, but that has never stopped anyone on this show. At the same time, she’s skeptical of his very specific business, but is still willing to lean hard on a babysitter tasked with caring for her children while she heads down under and see if this man is above board (I did it again).
Before doing this, she stops by to hang out with her friend Jared, whom she describes as a “pretty big deal in the cannabis industry.” Something tells me all of her relationships include a person she would describe in similar fashion, with similar apartments with lavish views. Anyway, Jared has preserved a single pot leaf in a green bag, so that she can pull it out and sniff it and ask the oracle if this is the one, while he looks at her in confusion and wonders if she wants more from the dumpster he’s filled out back. Jared and Avery dated many moons ago, and according to Jared, she drove him to the brink of madness with her sniffed-leaf salads, and he’s worried that this is going to be another bad decision.
Avery has no shortage of attractive friends, and later meets another set of them so they can express astonishment at her choices. Avery admits that it’s possible that, as a relationship coach, he might just know the right things to say. She confesses there have been “red flags,”and these flags need to have a theme song already if we’re going to keep saluting them while they wave in the air. Said flags include a bankruptcy, which prevents him from visiting her in the US. Ash says this bankruptcy is due to a shady business partner who took all of his money, and he kept this under wraps because…hmm. Josh and Jen are worried. Avery then harkens back to the first time the red ran up the pole, when she noticed THE FACEBOOK status of Ash was not switched to “in a relationship” or “it’s complicated” or “for fuck’s sake delete facebook already.” So they took the left hand path to THE INSTAGRAM, and discovered the photos he had posted of Avery were deleted. Nothing else, just the Avery pics. Red flag waving in the breeze, Ash explains that this was the work of a rogue hacking collective responsible for countless unsolicited dick pics, and publicly posted racist comments. Quick, someone call Neo to get inside the Matrix and bring this menacing band of selective deleters to justice! This information leaves Josh and Jen staring at her blankly, wondering if this free trip and television debut is worth meeting yet another man with mayo hair.
On to Geoffrey, whom you might recognize from the classic Julia Roberts’ movie Sleeping With the Enemy. When Geoffrey’s not turning around all the cans in the cupboard so the labels face forward, or discovering his wife chopped her hair and flushed her ring to flee to another country, he’s trolling the internet for someone who doesn’t have access to American media.
Let’s just hit the bullet points of this fucking guy: Not one but FOUR ex-wives, all of which have accused him of domestic battery, one of whom accused him of repeatedly raping her, and a felony drug conviction that prevents him from moving to another country. Brittany, wife #4, is 19 years his junior, and has joint Canada-Jamaica citizenship. She fled to Canada, saying that he abused her and her two sons. Despite Brittney’s declaration that she feared for their safety, the judge inexplicably awarded custody to Geoffrey…and the kid died within one month. I’m not saying this is perfect math, but there’s enough equation there to equal how the fuck did that kid have a deadly seizure?
But you didn’t think he stopped at four instances of abuse, did you? He’s also accused of beating, raping, and kidnapping his last girlfriend. This instance, along with wife #3 submitting an affidavit attesting to him being a fucking psychopath, allowed Brittany to finally gain full custody of their remaining child. I mean, there’s “that’s questionable” and there’s “what the fuck is wrong with the producers?” This would be the latter.
Varia, who should be glad there’s cameras blocking her body, is Geoffrey’s next victim. His sons are hesitant about his upcoming travel to meet her, since they don’t know if Russian prisons allow for bail. He declares there’s a risk he’ll be heartbroken, because his whole emotional experience is in her hands. Later, he meets with a friend and the one woman in his life he hasn’t beat up yet, and…oh fuck this. I cannot stand writing another syllable about this piece of shit. The 90DF producers have committed an egregious error, deciding to keep this guy in the cast after details of his skeleton-stuffed closet came to light. We are a low-bar team, but I’m not giving a serial woman beater another wink of attention. Fuck you, Geoffrey.
Back to the sort of wow that we demand every Sunday: 90DF decides to give us a break from Geoffrey with something easier on the eyes, like armpit waxing. Meet Angela 2: Electric Boogaloo! Electros rule the dance floor now! Lisa’s got travel plans, and doesn’t want to arrive looking like she’s got a troll doll in a headlock. This is apparently just one tiny patch of her full body wax. Unless she’s a Sasquatch, I don’t understand this commitment to body baldness, but everyone assures me that scads of women shave every orifice and skin strip and apply the lost hair to their eyebrows.
Lisa is a hospice nurse, and met her man as a result of working late shifts, since she relies on social media for socializing. Guzman is reportedly a celebrity in Nigeria, and he cooked up a rap track as part of his woo-the-older-lady project. Guzman’s hip hop name is SojaBoy, not to be confused with Soulja Boy, who gifted us that Superman dance that entertained me at bus stops for years, and is destined to be performed by white people at weddings, and by me at my niece’s high school graduation while she hides in the bathroom. For rap hit inspiration, Guzman thumbed through an encyclopedia of generic romantic sentiment, called his single-ladies-only relationship coach, and dropped this track:
“My baby girl Lisa, having a head and two arms and a torso,” he Shakespeares. “Walking around eating food, going to sleep at night, paying her bills the third Thursday. I pray for you girl, that you will never google me girl. I’ll floss all my teeth for you girl. I’ll call you girl now girl. I’ll double that cheese now girl. I don’t need the patties or bun girl. Just give me that cheese girl. I love you so very. Loyalty.” Lisa swooned and clutched her chest.
Of course, like every older woman to grace this show, Lisa has concerns about the feee-males on The Facebook. In Lisa’s free time she scrolls through his every post and comment for reasons to be jealous. When she isolates a heart-shape, she screenshots it and sends it to Guzman, demanding to know why other people exist. She suggests he “tighten up his facebook” which assures us that she will hold US citizenship over his head for at least the next ten episodes.
Later, Lisa goes out for sugar bombs with friend Nikki, and encourages said friend to try the Oreo version of whatever the fuck she’s drinking, before adding, “Try a Nigerian, you might like him, too.” Okay, at least The OA (Original Angela) didn’t reference Michael as an object from a collection friends should browse for their pleasure chest. Lisa tells Nikki she’s getting married in Nigeria, because SojaBoy proposed to her, but she wants the proposal to also happen in person. Nikki wonders what she’ll do if the sex is no good, and Lisa interprets this as him disliking sex with her, and declares that she has a secret weapon.
“He has only ever had protected sex. Not with me,” she insists. “We’re going bareback, and then I will lock him down with HPV.”
“is that why you waxed?” Nikki is flummoxed.
“Bingo, bitch.”
Nikki still has a hard time believing he’s been loyal for the full two years of their relationship. Good thing Lisa has a rock-solid defense: “Did you hear that song he wrote for me?”
Yes, we heard it Lisa. Did you?
Sharing an age and nothing else with Lisa is Yolanda. She reports that she lost 150 pounds by power walking and working with a trainer, and was with her husband Duane for 30 years. He got sick and died of kidney disease, leaving her to raise six seemingly well-adjusted children, who describe her as “beautiful, kind.” Can we just stop and cry now, because this woman does not deserve to be on this show. I want to put her on the Bachelor where she’s surrounded by a ring of competitive men desperate for a surrendered rose. She needs more kindness and less con.
Anyway, after her husband’s death and her significant weight loss, she started posting on The Gram, where she met Williams: a 40 year-old restaurant manager who is possibly invisible. Yolanda declares that she enjoys the feeling of being liked, and she talks to him up to five times a day. She receives a flurry of text messages while talking to the camera, and Yolanda declares, “He puts a rose next to my name every time. How can you not fall in love with that?” Williams is going to have to register for Paul’s next awkward marathon into the jungle now, because everyone is coming for him if he does Yolanda dirty.
Yolanda reveals that she lied about her age, telling Williams she’s 45 instead of 51. She’s certain that they haven’t FaceTimed only because he doesn’t have a camera. Her daughter Cara isn’t having it. She shares a resale business with mom, and is the only one of the six children to know it’s 90DF filming, not a weight-loss show. Cara is not about to let her mother step off a plane to greet no one, so she’s coming with her. When she talks about Williams she giggles, and I’m wondering if she’s not ready for a real relationship yet, and is clinging to this fantasy for a low-stakes connection instead.
Later, Yolanda declares there’s nothing sexier than a British accent, and she calls Williams…who has an African accent. Will someone please download an episode of Downton Abbey or something for this woman? Yolanda then admits that initially he asked for money so he could book a Maria flight to not visit her, but she insisted that she would come visit him instead.
Yolanda reveals more about her relationship with Duane, who apparently had troubles with the law, and spent the last six years of his life in prison. He didn’t want visitors during this time, so Yolanda was denied the opportunity to say goodbye. Can someone please bring Teddy the Wonder Dog to Yolanda for comfort? Please? She gathers her children for dinner, and admits she met someone and is traveling to meet him. Her kids accuse the man of having a last name for a first name, and seem worried that he isn’t real. One daughter cries, perhaps because her mom is trying to move on, and then Yolanda cries and asks them to be happy for her, because she needs a partner. The well-adjusted children tone it down and say they hope it works out, and later take Cara aside to remind her she should go for the eyes and groin first. Meanwhile, everyone at home isolates a relative or friend better suited for Yolanda, and we will later debate the best options using charts and graphs.
Next week! Darcey tries on wedding dresses (proposal be damned!), Avery tells her parents they’re going to be watching her children for 2.5 weeks, Lisa’s friends plan an unsuccessful intervention, Yolanda becomes suspicious as Williams forgets where he lives, and Big Ed packs up his travel mayo for his overseas exodus.
Thank you, Patreon supporters!
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2020.02.03 13:48 rusticgorilla Lost in the Sauce: Jan. 26 - Feb. 2

Welcome to Lost in the Sauce, keeping you caught up on political and legal news that often gets buried in distractions and theater. (the previous edition can be found here if you are super behind).
THIS WEEK: The White House is still withholding a meeting from Zelensky, the Supreme Court set arguments in Trump cases, more Giuliani back-channel dealings, another taxpayer-funded party for Trump, attacks on the environment, straight up buying votes, landmines, bombs, and more.
House-keeping:
  1. How to read: the headings will guide you through this piece. The Main Course covers the “big” stories and The Sides covers the “smaller” stories. IF YOU FOLLOW THE NEWS CLOSELY: you likely know about the stories in the Main Course section, so you will be best served by scrolling down to The Sides portion.
  2. How to support: If you enjoy my work, please consider becoming a patron. I do this to keep track and will never hide behind a paywall, but these projects take a lot of time and effort to create. Even a couple of dollars a month helps. Since someone asked last week (thank you!), here's a PayPal option
  3. How to get notifications: If you’d like to be added to my newsletter, use this SIGNUP FORM and you’ll get these recaps in your inbox!
Let’s dig in!

THE MAIN COURSE

Bolton’s manuscript

Last week, we learned of three major claims from John Bolton’s manuscript. I’m going to assume most of you have read about it already, so I’ll just include a short blurb about each:
  • In August 2019, Trump personally told Bolton he was withholding nearly $400 million in military aid to Ukraine until officials there helped with investigations into Democrats including the Bidens: The New York Times (non-paywalled).
  • In early May 2019, Trump directed Bolton to help with his pressure campaign to extract damaging information on Democrats from Ukrainian officials. The president urged Bolton to call Ukrainian president Zelensky to ensure that he would meet with Giuliani. Mick Mulvaney, Giuliani, and Pat Cipollone were present when Trump made the request: The New York Times (non-paywalled).
  • John R. Bolton, the former national security adviser, privately told Attorney General William P. Barr last year that he had concerns that President Trump was effectively granting personal favors to the autocratic leaders of Turkey and China: The New York Times (non-paywalled).
    • Bolton was regularly appalled by what he saw from the president, the people close to him said. He wondered at times if Trump was acting in America’s best interest or if he was inspired by nefarious reasons: The Washington Post.

GOP Senators know the truth

The Washington Post reported that Republican senators have known since 2016 that Trump’s defense is based on lies:
At a Senate hearing in 2016, a number of GOP senators who are still in office today sat in attendance during discussions of the Obama administration’s approach to Ukraine. At those hearings, officials and outside experts repeatedly discussed the need to remove the prosecutor in question — Viktor Shokin, the prosecutor general — describing this imperative as central to official U.S. policy.
What’s more, Joe Biden’s own role in prompting this ouster came up repeatedly, and it was openly and explicitly discussed that the loan guarantees were being used as leverage to bring it about — as U.S. policy.
...GOP senators present at the hearing — and who remain in office today — included John Barrasso (Wyo.), Cory Gardner (Colo.), James E. Risch (Idaho) and David Perdue (Ga.).
What this shows is that ousting the prosecutor was about fighting corruption in Ukraine as a matter of administration policy — and that GOP senators understood this full well at the time. Indeed, none of that stirred any controversy.

Administration hiding documents

Just hours after the Senate voted against seeking new evidence in Trump’s impeachment trial, the Justice Department submitted a court filing revealing the existence of 24 emails that contain “Presidential decision-making about the scope, duration, and purpose of the hold on military assistance to Ukraine.” A lawyer for the Office of Management and Budget wrote in the filing that these communications are protected by “presidential privilege” and that the administration should not have to unredact the contents.

Still withholding a meeting

White House officials reportedly wanted Ukrainian President Zelensky to publicly back up Trump’s defense during Secretary of State Mike Pompeo’s trip to the country last week: Before the cameras, they hoped Zelensky would state that “the president never pressured Ukraine to investigate Trump’s political rivals.”
Andriy Yermak, a top aide to Zelensky, has been pushing the Ukrainian president “to embrace a pro-Trump line for the sake of his embattled country.” The pressure on Zelesnky to take such an approach continues, as Pompeo told the Ukrainians that “Mr. Trump was not ready to receive Mr. Zelensky at the White House.” Meanwhile, Trump has twice hosted Russian foreign minister Sergey V. Lavrov at the White House.

Trump’s defense vs Trump’s defense

Trump’s impeachment defense team has pursued numerous lines of arguments during the trial that directly contradict the Trump administration’s arguments in court.
In the most recent instance, a Justice Department lawyer told the court that the House Oversight Committee should pursue impeachment as a remedy for the administration’s failure to comply with subpoenas seeking information on the decision to add a citizenship question to the 2020 Census. District Court Judge Randolph Moss responded that it was “ really not a great state of affairs for this country," if the House should impeach the President over every subpoena that his administration ignores.
Throughout the impeachment process, Trump’s lawyers and Republicans have criticized the House managers for not going to court to resolve disputes over subpoenas; yet, the Justice Department is actively telling the courts that this is incorrect, that the courts have no place in resolving such disputes.
In another instance, Ken Starr argued before the Senate that the senators are not jurors and are, in fact, a “court.” However, the Justice Department has been arguing the opposite in its attempt to keep the House from accessing Mueller’s grand jury materials: DOJ lawyers told a panel of judges in the U.S. Court of Appeals for the D.C. Circuit that the Senate impeachment trial is not a court and “therefore not exempt from secrecy rules that shield grand jury materials from disclosure.”
“That argument has now been contradicted by the president’s counsel’s statements to the Senate, which confirm that the Senate sits as a ‘court’ rather than a ‘legislative chamber’ during an impeachment trial,” according to the filing from House general counsel Douglas N. Letter.
  • More contradictions: As I explained in last week’s Lost in the Sauce, Trump’s defense also contradicted the DOJ’s arguments in the case for Don McGahn’s testimony.
  • Tax returns: House lawyers also mentioned Trump’s defense while asking U.S. District Judge Trevor McFadden of the District of Columbia to lift a stay in the case for Trump’s tax returns from the Treasury and IRS. McFadden paused the case at the beginning of January because he believed he should wait for the Appeals Court hearing the McGahn case to reach a verdict first.

Supreme Court sets Trump dates

The Supreme Court will hear arguments on March 31 in three major cases involving Trump:
  1. Manhattan District Attorney Cyrus Vance’s subpoena to Mazars for Trump’s financial information
  2. The House Oversight Committee’s subpoena to Mazars for Trump’s financial information
  3. The House Intelligence and Financial Services Committees’ subpoenas to Deutsche Bank and Capital One for Trump’s financial records

THE SIDES

Giuliani’s conflicts

In yet another example of Rudy Giuliani’s conflicts of interests and potential corruption, The Washington Post reported that during a meeting with a top Ukrainian official to push for investigations sought by Trump, Giuliani also applied pressure on behalf of a former client of his.
Kyiv Mayor Vitali Klitschko, for whom Giuliani has said he did consulting work, was on the verge of being fired by Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky from a separate post as the appointed head of the city administration, a move that would greatly reduce his power. Giuliani urged a Zelensky adviser at the Madrid conclave to retain Klitschko , according to Lev Parnas, a former Giuliani associate.
“Rudy told him, ‘Make sure Klitschko stays,’ ” Parnas, who participated in the meeting, told The Washington Post in an interview.
...Zelensky backed off the threat, and nearly six months later, Klitschko still remains in his post.
Giuliani's lawyers in court
A law firm representing Rudy Giuliani in the Ukraine affair is locked in a bitter court battle with a former partner that has revealed allegations of financial misconduct, sexual assault and office masturbation.
The firm, Pierce Bainbridge Beck Price & Hecht, has faced an exodus of lawyers as the litigation stretches on, including two who were defending Giuliani amid a criminal probe launched by New York federal prosecutors.
...Pierce Bainbridge’s legal saga began last May when an ousted partner, Donald Lewis, filed a 96-page lawsuit alleging the firm wrongfully fired him on the basis of a false sex abuse complaint after he raised concerns about financial misconduct at the firm. (NBC News)

Senate’s Russia report

The Senate Intelligence Committee, led by Richard Burr (R-NC) and Mark Warner (D-VA), is due to release its third installment of its report on Russia’s election interference this week. It will reportedly focus on the Obama administration’s response to Russia’s operations. Warner “blamed the intelligence community's declassification process for slowing the release of both the third and fourth volumes of the investigation.”

IRS whistleblower

The Senate Finance Committee recently conducted “an extensive interview” of the whistleblower at the IRS who alleges at least one political appointee at the Treasury Dept. attempted to improperly interfere with the audit of President Trump or Vice President Pence.
Democrats who have reviewed it regard it as a deeply significant allegation that, if true, suggests that political appointees may have tried to interfere with the government audit process, which was set up to be insulated from political pressures. WaPo

Whistleblower attacks

The Education Department pushed out a whistleblower last December for making a complaint about the department’s treatment of transgender students. Civil Rights lawyer Dwayne Bensing leaked emails that revealed the Dept. of Education was rushing to take up a case to ban transgender athletes from competing on a team that aligns with their gender identity.
The Whistleblower Protection Act holds that employees have the authority to disclose government information if they believe they are witnessing a violation of rules, laws or regulations, gross mismanagement or an abuse of power.
Meanwhile, the acting-Defense Department Inspector General, Glenn Fine, told a subcommittee of the House Oversight Committee that “officials at the Defense Department are not taking action when the inspector general validates allegations of whistleblower reprisal.” Additionally, “advocates for those employees told lawmakers individuals are now less likely to speak out against waste and wrongdoing due to President Trump’s reaction to his impeachment.”

Paying for Trump to party

Taxpayers shelled out another $3.4 million to send President Donald Trump to Florida this weekend so he could host a Super Bowl party for paying guests at his for-profit golf course... The president’s latest trip to his Palm Beach resort and nearby golf course brings the taxpayer-funded total for his golfing hobby to $130.4 million.
...In response to a query, White House press secretary Stephanie Grisham defended Trump’s trip and attacked HuffPost: “The premise of your story is ridiculous and false, and just more left-wing media bias on display. The president never stops working, and that includes when he is at the Winter White House.”
Her phrase “Winter White House” refers to Mar-a-Lago, the for-profit resort in Palm Beach that is several miles east of the golf course and that doubled its initiation fee from $100,000 to $200,000 after Trump was elected in 2016. Trump frequently mingles with guests at social events there. HuffPost

Other Trump-related legal news

  • The AP: Lawyers for a woman who accuses President Donald Trump of raping her in the 1990s are asking for a DNA sample, seeking to determine whether his genetic material is on a dress she says she wore during the encounter. Advice columnist E. Jean Carroll’s lawyers served notice to a Trump attorney Thursday for Trump to submit a sample on March 2 in Washington for “analysis and comparison against unidentified male DNA present on the dress.”
  • Just one day after the U.S. Attorney’s Office of D.C. reversed its sentencing opinion in Michael Flynn’s case, switching from recommending jail time to requesting only probabtion, Attorney General Bill Barr announced that he has appointed a new head of the DC office: Timothy Shea, one of his closest advisers. “As the U.S. attorney in the District of Columbia, Shea would oversee some of the lingering cases from special counsel Robert Mueller’s Russia investigation, along with a number of politically charged investigations.”
  • Regarding the DOJ’s recent change of heart in Flynn’s case, some have suggested political interference explains the reversal: “The first filing was delayed twice because prosecutors said “multiple officials and entities” needed to review it, and then today we get this. Something funky has been going on and it’s not hard to guess what it is.” Flynn’s sentencing hearing is scheduled for Feb. 27. In new filings, Flynn says that - despite twice admitting under oath to lying to federal investigators - he now can’t remember the details he admitted to lying about.

Buying votes?

A charity allied with Trump’s re-election campaign held a cash giveaway in a black community in Cleveland last week, rewarding attendees for listening to speakers promote the president’s agenda. The charity, called the Urban Revitalization Coalition, is run by prominent Trump supporter Darrell Scott, a Cleveland pastor.
As Politico explains, the fact that the giveaway is organized under a charity allows donors to “remain anonymous and make tax-deductible contributions.” Marcus Owens, a former director of the Exempt Organizations Division at the Internal Revenue Service, says the giveaways may also be illegal: "Charities are required to spend their money on charitable and educational activities… It's not immediately clear to me how simply giving money away to people at an event is a charitable act.”
The coalition planned a Martin Luther King Jr. Day event at Virginia Union University, a historically black school in Richmond. Advertisements for the event said it would feature a $30,000 cash giveaway and would honor Trump as well as his son-in-law, senior White House adviser Jared Kushner.
But school administrators canceled the Jan. 20 event, saying it had been described to them as an “economic development discussion” when it was first booked. In a letter to Lanier, university President Hakim Lucas said: “The event advertised is vastly different from the event VUU agreed to co-host.”

Migratory birds

On Thursday, the Trump administration formally moved to weaken protections for millions of migratory birds. The new rules will not hold fossil fuel companies, developers, power companies, and other industries accountable for “incidentally” killing birds - even on a massive scale.
Since guidelines under the administration’s interpretation of the law were issued in April 2018, hundreds of ducks, geese, herons and migrating birds have perished in oil pits, on utility lines and in other operations without penalty, according to documents compiled by conservation groups.
...In May, a U.N. report found that 1 million plant and animal species are on the verge of extinction as a result of human activity. Four months later, a report by top ornithologists and government agencies found that nearly 3 billion birds across hundreds of species have been lost in North America. WaPo
  • “The Trump administration’s Bird Killer Department, formerly known as the Department of the Interior, just gets crueler and more craven every day,” said David Yarnold, president and CEO of the National Audubon Society, in a press release. Use this Audubon form to express your opposition to the gutting of the Migratory Bird Treaty Act.

Defense news

  • CNN: President Donald Trump rescinded restrictions on the US military's ability to use landmines, weapons that have been banned by more than 160 countries due to their history of killing and wounding civilians, the White House said Friday. "The Department of Defense has determined that restrictions imposed on American forces by the Obama Administration's policy could place them at a severe disadvantage during a conflict against our adversaries.”
  • The Washington Post: Some of the Washington area’s biggest defense contractors are making more money than ever from classified military and intelligence programs, top executives told investors this week, as competition with China and Russia drives a wave of secret spending one analyst called “unprecedented in recent history.” Executives from Northrop Grumman and Raytheon reported double-digit growth in classified defense business over the past year.
  • The Guardian: The US dropped more bombs on Afghanistan in 2019 than any other year since the Pentagon began keeping a tally in 2006...According to new figures released by US central command, US warplanes dropped 7,423 bombs and other munitions on Afghanistan, a nearly eightfold increase from 2015. The increasing intensity of the air campaign has been accompanied by an increase in civilian casualties attributed to US forces. According to UN data, the US accounted for half the 1,149 civilian deaths attributed to pro-government forces in Afghanistan over the first three-quarters of 2019.

State news

Miscellaneous news that may be more relevant in specific states:
  • AZ Central: Arizona violated the Voting Rights Act by barring voters from delivering the early ballots of neighbors, friends and others to polling places, a federal appeals court ruled Monday...The policy against so-called "ballot harvesting" disproportionately affects American Indian, Hispanic and African American voters...Republicans who control the Legislature enacted the policy with the intent of suppressing turnout among voters from minority groups, the [Ninth U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals] decided. (read more detail)
  • Reuters: Fourteen U.S. states and Washington D.C. sued the Environmental Protection Agency on Wednesday to fight what they called the Trump administration’s effort to gut rules meant to improve safety at chemical plants and reduce the threat of accidents.
  • Orlando Sentinel: Former Florida Gov. Rick Scott destroyed evidence that would have cleared the employees of a Hollywood nursing home accused of doing nothing as the patients in their care died in sweltering conditions, according to court papers filed this week. Attorneys for defendants Sergo Colin and Jorge Carballo are asking Broward Circuit Judge John Murphy to dismiss manslaughter charges against their clients, arguing that deleted voicemails to Scott would have proved that employees of the Rehabilitation Center at Hollywood Hills tried but failed to get help as conditions worsened after Hurricane Irma struck in 2017.
  • Seattle Times: A panel charged with looking at ways to trim federal properties deemed excess has recommended [that the National Archives at Seattle be closed]. The U.S. Office of Management and the Budget (OMB) agreed and announced its decision late Friday that the facility should be closed...The move comes despite a letter sent Friday to the OMB by all senators from Washington, Alaska, Oregon and Idaho, and eight of the 10 Washington state representatives to Congress. The letter concluded the recommendation to close the archives “was flawed” and should be rejected.
    • Personal addition: As an archaeologist in the region, this outside decision, made “without engaging state officials, local officials, and affected communities as required by law,” is particularly upsetting. The archives holds over 100 years of history from the entire Cascadia region - including many records of significance to the 272 federally recognized tribes in the region. These records will be moved to storage in Kansas City and Southern California, far out of reach of the people who need to access them.

Immigration news

  • ABC News: President Donald Trump on Friday signed an order to impose travel restrictions on a new group of six countries, adding to the current travel ban...The U.S. will stop issuing visas for travelers seeking permanent residency from Burma, Eritrea, Kyrgyzstan, and Nigeria.
    • The Week: The fact that the ban explicitly targets those who are here to stay is particularly confusing when it comes to Nigeria, seeing as its immigrants are among the most likely immigrants to receive college degrees once they come to the U.S. In fact, an estimated 60 percent of Nigerian immigrants to the U.S. have college degrees, as opposed to 33 percent of Americans who do, Census data has shown. Nigerian immigrants are also much more likely to hold doctorates and master's degrees.
  • The Washington Post: The Supreme Court on Monday allowed the Trump administration to begin implementing new “wealth test” rules making it easier to deny immigrants residency or admission to the United States because they have used or might use public-assistance programs... while legal challenges continue in lower courts. ...All four of the court’s liberal justices — Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Stephen G. Breyer, Sonia Sotomayor and Elena Kagan — noted their disagreement. (non-paywalled)
  • The Washington Post: President Trump's border wall probably will require the installation of hundreds of storm gates to prevent flash floods from undermining or knocking it over, gates that must be left open for months every summer during "monsoon season" in the desert...The open, unmanned gates in remote areas already have allowed for the easy entry of smugglers and migrants into the United States. (non-paywalled)
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2020.01.23 03:39 QuasiOr If a person from 500 CE who has never left their village found themselves stumbling into a room full of people from of all over the world today; India, China, America, Europe, Brazil, Nigeria, one of the first things they would be likely to think is: "Why does everyone in here look so similar?"

If a person from 500 CE who has never left their village found themselves stumbling into a room full of people from of all over the world today; India, China, America, Europe, Brazil, Nigeria, one of the first things they would be likely to think is:
People who travel to regions in Central Asia, Russia, and China often remark that everyone looks different from one another.
Visitors remark that some people look European, and others look like they are from Beijing.
Even siblings with the same birth parents in these regions may be described as having a stark contrast in appearance from one another, sometimes even from both parents.
Upon bringing this up with the locals, visitors are surprised to discover that the locals were, for the most part, completely unaware of this. Some who visitors would describe as very different, locally, they are perceived to look similar.
This same type of situation is often seen in other, typically obscure areas of the world. Such as parts of North Africa, where foreigners may describe a group as consisting of people who look European, further south African, or sometimes Indian. In some parts of northeastern India and Nepal, people are often thought to look like they are from Mumbai or Shanghai.
What people are describing is very clear and distinct patterns reemerging within these populations.
What is occurring here is pareidolia; the perception of a recognizable image or meaningful pattern in random data, where none exists.
An example of pareidolia in rock formations on Mars.
When viewing two people from opposing sides of the world side by side, people would typically describe an identifiable difference between them, in a way which differs from what you would typically describe when viewing two people from the same culture side by side.
However, this observation could not occur without the use of a visual reference, which is perception that depends on a persons past experience.
The traits being observed are the same type of traits that a single group of people are genetically capable of expressing within themselves. There are some people within the same families who have brown hair and blond hair. Similarly, there are some people within the same families who have dark skin and light skin. There is no difference.
The process of passing on genetic alleles is completely randomized, and not intended to fall in specific patterns. There are people who have red hair, dark skin, and green eyes together. Genetically, they have nothing to do with each other.
The full range of traits seen across various groups of humans can be, have been, and are in obscure areas, expressed within the same, unbroken, homogeneous gene pool, with each trait occurring in significant proportions.
British fraternal twins.
Uyghur Chinese children in Xinjiang.
Berber wedding in Morocco, and Tatar Russian actors in Tatarstan.
Physical diversity can be perceived in any group depending on the references used. For example, in the last several centuries, Europe, South Asia, East Asia, and the U.S. became particularity internationally recognizable areas of the world. Though, with sustained exposure to only Central Asians and North Africans, Europeans may be described as having a diverse range in appearance between the extremes. You might look at a group of Europeans and find it interesting how some people look distinctly North African, while others look more Central Asian, and many look mixed.
Facial features used in recognition are simply very specific combinations of traits. Most individual facial details appear around the world to some degree. When seeing an individual person from another population, without any unique traits, they may be seen as typical in appearance. Although, once seeing a group of multiple people, the specific combination of facial details can be recognized with high confidence, and from then on used as a facial recognition mechanism.
Upon coming across this for the first time it would seem like stumbling upon a bunch of similar looking people, however we tend use it to estimate the difference between two people once it becomes a facial recognition mechanism.
If someone from 500 CE North Africa has only seen people who look like they are from 500 CE North Africa, when they see people from around the would, it would seem like they just stumbled upon a bunch of similar looking people.
Why? Because from their perspective they came across a bunch of people who have certain traits in common; those being the traits that are less common in North Africa, but more common in other places.
Because it doesn't matter how many groups you put together, you aren't creating any actual genetic diversity.
Have you ever seen a set of siblings, or an immediate family, who just seem to share some indescribable quality about their appearance? Its not that any one of them looks particularly different from other people, they just share some common element.
This is the same effect, though on a larger scale, so we use it as a facial recognition mechanism.
When you put together a database of a thousand faces into a computer, and have the computer assign them into pairs of closest resemblance, the pairs will be quite unpredictable in terms of where people look like they are from. Because chances are, no two people will look alike. A person can learn to recognize a single face out of millions, so its not so surprising.
Since it typically requires less than 8 individual genes for recognition, if they are clustered 5%/95% across populations A and B respectively. Inheriting a combination of 4+ hallmark population B details in population A becomes increasingly unlikely, although, a fair amount people will have 1 or 2.
Traits like skin tone, hair color, and hair type are inherited with multiple genes. That is why certain skin tones and hair colors can be quite rare in certain areas, despite the genes for their expression being found in significant amounts, they are usually hidden. Although, the visual expression for all of these traits can be found, and are found, with a full range of their expression in the same population. The same goes for recessive traits and traits which are inherited through incomplete dominance.

Punnet square demonstrating the recessive allele (y) and the dominant allele (Y). Yy: heterozygous genotype, YY/yy homozygous genotypes. (Incorrect color scheme is shown.)
In a group of people were 1/20 carry a recesive allele for blond hair, the chance of two meeting is 1/400, and the chance of passing on two copies of the allele is 1/4. In this case, blond hair would only be expressed in 1/1600 despite occurring in 1/20 people.
Sufficient gene pool diversity and diversity of traits to avoid bottlenecking is found in any part of the world. It is supported by some genetic evidence that today's humans are descended from a very small population of between 1,000 and 10,000 breeding pairs that existed about 70,000 years ago, which has been linked to the Toba eruption in Indonesia.
Human migration consisted of random scrambling in all directions, and can not be summed up with a synchronized candelabra.
Many ancient humans would be considered to look diverse in modern standards. At many times in history, unrelated groups of people on different sides of the world are considered to look similar. An example is indigenous Filipino people such as Ati and Aeta people, and New Guinea (Indonesia and Papua New Guinea), two unrelated groups of people where many are considered to look African American, a third additional unrelated group of people.
Upbringing and sustained experience have a significant effect, more than people often give credit. Cited averages in height are explained by diet, which effects puberty onset, as with weight. There were places where the average height of both males and females was less than 5 feet, simply due to diet. However, peoples diet, culture, end even now language are becoming increasingly similar, so extremes like these have disappeared for the most part.
Language and speaking conventions effect how a person speaks. Cultural factors can effect average measured IQ. Sustained experience has an impact on brain structure and function.
To say that a person's culture, nationality, race, ethnicity is directly caused by the way a person looks, in of itself, is pretty ridiculous.
Misapplying cultural groups in the field of genetics is not viewed as a very scientific practice.
As for haploid groups, this is applying the same type of data used to map language families on genetics collection. They are scientific uses of data for representing historical migration, they do not represent similarity. The languages used in the process of reconstructing an ancient language are referred to as a "language family", however this directly implies no similarity. Modern Icelandic and English, used to reconstruct the Proto-Germanic language are far more different than English and French.
When cultural groups are applied in genetics, in reality, these are arbitrarily chosen DNA samples collected a population seen as representing a particular group of people.
https://dienekes.blogspot.com/2006/04/mtdna-of-ancient-cumanians.html
...A database was created from previously published mtDNA HVS I sequences (representing 2,615 individuals from different Asian and European populations)...
The same goes for categories like "Italian", "Scandinavian", "Nigerian", ect. used in commercial ancestry DNA testing.
The terms "Caucasoid", "Mongoloid", and "Negroid" date back to the 1700's, long before DNA was known to exist. "Caucasoid" is named after the Caucasians, which are people from the Caucasus, a mountain chain including Armenia, Georgia, Azerbaijan, parts of Russia, Iran, and Turkey. "Mongoloid", comes from the Mongol people of Mongolia, China, and Russia. These regions were chosen arbitrarily by philosopher Christoph Meiners, along with a region including both India and Australia, and another including North and South America.
You might as well decide to genetically compare the entire world, and ancient humans to modern rural Americans and Canadians and introduce them as two distinct taxonomical classifications, but of course, that doesn't fit into anyone's world view so no one thinks of trying it, but it's no less scientific.
Instead of genetically graphing the degree of resemblance various populations around the world have to chosen reference groups on a world map, demonstrating which places would be "mixed" and which places aren't, then when the basis of these points are questioned, simply refer back to the map, and the circular reasoning continues.
Applying ecology cuts the circle short.
If the populations proposed as being mixed have more gene pool diversity than the populations used as references, the classifications might be awarded taxonomical credibility following further research.
As for humans, there has been a scientific consensus that this is not the case.
But there is a simple method of demonstrating this:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Genetic_diversity#Measures
Genetic diversity of a population can be assessed by some simple measures.Gene diversity is the proportion of polymorphic#Genetics) loci across the genome.Heterozygosity is the fraction of individuals in a population that are heterozygous for a particular locus.Alleles per locus is also used to demonstrate variability.Nucleotide diversity is the extent of nucleotide polymorphisms within a population, and is commonly measured through molecular markers such as micro- and minisatellite sequences, mitochondrial DNA, and single-nucleotide polymorphisms (SNPs).Furthermore, stochastic simulation software is commonly used to predict the future of a population given measures such as allele frequency and population size..
If there has been any minor changes in biological function between any given populations, then when members of the proposed classifications or circular cline intermix the resulting offspring should at least present with a statistically higher chance of illness, if neither infertility or death. On the other hand, if there has been significant bottlenecks, which have been maintained across continents, the resulting offspring should present with a statistically lower chance of illness due to healthier gene pool diversity, which can be seen mongrel dog breeds.
A real life example of genetic homogeneity is how siblings with the same birth parents should not have children due to genetic homogeneity. Certain diseases can show up in extended families, historically this happened when the family moves into their own village. There is a small island where many people are fully colorblind, and a small rural area where many people have dwarfism. In several villages in the Dominican Republic, many brought up as female show interest in transitioning to male at a young age due to prenatal testosterone level, then hormonally continue development as male due to 5-Alpha Reductase Deficiency. Bottlenecks like this simply show up in an extended family, then disappears fairly quick, because the population re-disperses into the surrounding area. Humans don't migrate in ways that causes extreme bottlenecks (like birds for example), modern humans never separated, and remained separate. A bottleneck (a reduction in genetic diversity, followed by a regrowth in population) has never occurred on a continent sized scale.
On the other hand, a real life example of genetic diversity is how interbreeding dogs often causes the dogs to live longer by several years. Dog breeds are heavy bottlenecks engineered and maintained by humans, most modern breeds were bred in the past couple hundred years, or initially mixed from previous breeds, by interbreeding, the genetic diversity is restored to a healthier, more natural level.
When animals are separated to the point where changes in biological function occur, they are classed as different species or subspecies and have difficulty interbreeding. Biological changes refers to changes in biological function. For example, the intestines would be a useless organ without the stomach. You couldn't survive with one but not the other.
In biology, a "ring species" is when the biological change is on a cline. It is gradual and occurs in a circular shape. Populations commonly interbreed with the surrounding area, but is blocked by a geographical barrier. Populations on opposite sides of the barrier fail to reproduce due to differences in biological function.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ring_species

In a ring species, gene flow occurs between neighbouring populations of a species, but at the ends of the \"ring\" , the populations cannot interbreed.
However "genetic diversity", "genetic homogeneity", and changes in biological function have no application when it comes to human populations.
submitted by QuasiOr to conspiracy [link] [comments]


2019.11.26 20:51 Lord_Gaston_Gascon [26/M] How to find a Christian girl to date and possibly marry in Iran?

I'm an ex-atheist, ex-Muslim who just turned Christian. I haven't been baptized yet. I do believe in scarce premarital sex. I look ugly. I have bipolarity and diabetes. I am weird and I am overly reliant on my mom. I can't hold a job. I can't hold a discipline. I'm a programming student in a very questionable college. I have a sickness that if someone doesn't pay attention to me, I want to be their friend more and if they pay attention to me, I will repel them. I wanna immigrate as soon as I get my Associate's. But I'm not very smart. I want my girlfriend to be the exact opposite of me. I want her to be sociable towards both men and women, I want her to be morally strong, I don't want her to have a history of substance abuse, I want her to be beautiful. Therefore like Safavid kings, i want to date and marry a Georgian or Armenian girl. I know Western Christian girls wouldn't spit on me. I'm realistic. On Interpals girls never respond to me. I mostly talk to Russian girls so they wouldn't think I'm trying to snatch citizenship from them, as Russia and Iran are both cesspits, but they still won't respond to me. Is it because I'm ugly? What can I do about it? God has made me this way! One day I wish a Christian girl would talk to me and see that I'm despicable and resentful on the inside, and it's not just my Golem-like looks that turns Sarah into Sarai and Abraham into Abram!

Anyways Western, Russian, or Caucasian, their parents would disapprove. Even if I attract a Caucasian girl from Georgia, the seat of Caucasus (by the way, when I say "Caucasian" I mean from the region, not as Americans have taken to call white-skinned folk) she's crazy. Her name of Mariami, the name of Lord's mother. But first, she was 9 years younger than me. I cut it off with her when I found out, but she told me she's Christian and what's 9 years for a beggar? She talked all about God but then she started calling me "babe" and I told her she'll find better beaus than me in college (I'm 26, she's 18). So I broke off with her. I was right to do so. She turned out to be a Jezebel. She contacted me a few weeks ago, and tried to pit me against a poor sod who apparently was bothering her. He was harmless, so I told her to stop annoying me. She laughed and posted a picture of her kissing a girl. She told me that "I tried sex with a boy and I didn't enjoy it. But I have sex with [REDACTED' and it's so enjoyable!"
I have nothing against LGBTQ but she was clearly evil. And obviously not a good wife.
See, I'm not fully functional husband. Because of Risperidone, my body doesn't secrete sperm, or semen. I'm barren. But I want to adopt two kids, a twin, one boy and one girl. I don't care if the child is not my seed. A son or daughter is someone you raise, not someone you conceive. You can inherit a plant and it would be as much as yours as the guy who planted it.
I presented you my case. I'm just a student. I do premarital sex, but only scarcely. I do cohabitation, but only scarcely, I want to get married as soon as possible. I am not inclined towards sex, I am not a horny man, as I take Risperidone, I am half-asexual. I want my wife to be Christian. But I live in Iran and girls hate Iranians. Iranian Christians won't marry me. Western Christians think I'm after citizenship, even people from Russia. Some think I'm some Nigerian conman trying to steal their credit card numbers. I'm a programmer. I'm very ugly. I'm not very smart.

What should I do?
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